


Along Came Ruby

by captainangua



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Basically a display of how much i love character parallels, Blade Runners, Codependency, Dean Bears The Mark of Cain, Dean's drinking problem, Destiel - Freeform, Endgame Castiel/Dean Winchester, Episode Related, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Time, Human Ruby, Hurt!Cas, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mark of Cain, Men of Letters Bunker, Metafiction, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, POV Ruby, POV Sam Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Team Free Will, The Purge, Trials of Hell, Unresolved Emotional Tension, also elements from, episode e9s13, episode s9e12, sharp teeth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-05
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-11 06:52:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1169991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainangua/pseuds/captainangua
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A 9.12 coda/divergence/AU: Ruby mysteriously reappears in a new body, and the request she goes on to make of Sam is going to force him and Dean to finally talk out some of their many unresolved issues. Meanwhile Dean is also having to deal with the after-effects of making a drunk phone call to Cas...<br/>And then a day later Abbadon arrives, half of Hell at her heels, locking the bunker down with the four of them inside.</p><p>(angsty, sticking-to-canon start out, but i promise it shall all end in smut and fluffiness)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. French Fries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam goes out running and finds that chivalry may indeed be dead.
> 
> *
> 
> “Long time no see Sam... See you’ve still got my knife with you.”

Sam was on a late evening run when she found him. He’d needed to get out of the bunker. Dean had gone back to acting how he’d been before he’d split, which was how he’d been ever since the last trial. Cheerful, apparently. Sam now recognised this for what it was, a false attempt to plaster over their issues and pretend he was happy, and, just like when Dean had known he was doomed to hell and had acted the same way, Sam just couldn’t be the same around him. Somehow it hurt just as badly now as it had then, because by now they should have been better at resolving shit like this. Dean, should, by now, be able to look his own brother in the face and honestly say what he was feeling.

And Sam knew that he still wasn’t saying everything about the mark on his arm.

His feet pounded on the sidewalk as though with every foot he put down he was trying to crush something under it. He paused for a moment, getting his breath back. This was harder than he remembered, he’d done this route much quicker only a few weeks back… Well. At least if he was tired, he was tired on his own strength now.

Just as he was about to start running again, he could hear someone else running towards him. It was a woman about half his height, around his age, from what he could make out in the dark. She was _cute_ , in want of a better word. She’d tied up her black hair so that as she ran the dreadlocks still twisted round to the front of her neck. Sam was just able to pull his eyes away only as he realised that she was just coming up to the tree roots in the paving. She was going to trip.

“Wait-” he started to call to her. Her eyes flicked to him, but she’d already caught her foot, her legs had tangled and were pulling her down with them. Sam rushed forward to help her, and managed to catch her just before her dusty brown arms scuffed the ground.

“My hero,” she laughed softly.

“Are you ok?”

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll be fine.” She got shakily back to her feet and smiled at him. “I heal fast. I’ll probably just head over the road, get some food, give up on this jogging nonsense. Fried food always calms me down.”

“Do you need any help getting over there?”

After a moment’s hesitating she shook her head. “Nah. But if you wanna come with I could get you some fries on me as a thank you. You’d be doing me a huge favour, to be honest.” She had a nice smile, though it felt as though she was constantly trying not to laugh about some private joke. “It looks beyond depressing going in to get food, alone and sweaty in the middle of the night, dontcha think?”

Sam laughed slightly, trying not to sound nervous. She didn’t look dangerous, but then demons and ghouls and shifters… Well, they never did, most of the time. Or, more terrifying, she could actually just be a nice-looking girl who wanted to get dinner with him, albeit in their running clothes.  
His flow had been put off now. And it had been a long time since he’d had dinner with anyone but Dean. _Or Kevin…_

“Sounds great.”

As they walked he ended up telling her that he lived nearby, that he lived with his brother, and that he’d gone to Stanford, but left early, before getting his degree.

“What made you leave?”

He thought for a moment. For years he would have said something about his family. “It was over a girl actually.”

“Sweet,” she teased as they entered the little place, which had a bell which tinkled as they opened the door.

As they sat down in one of the booths she breathed in the smell of the place. “I missed the smell of food,” she said, Sam now looking at her a little suspiciously. The smell of ‘food’, just in general?

She looked right at him. “You remember that first time you bought _me_ fries, Sam? I was blonde then, with a shade or two lighter on the skin…” Her eyes flickered, and for just a moment, black eyes stared back at him.

Instinctively, Sam’s hand reached for the knife he had sitting in his running belt. “Ruby.”

“Long time no see Sam.” She smiled slightly, sadly. Sam’s mouth twitched in anger. “See you’ve still got my knife with you.”

She’d got him into too public a place to just stab her where she sat. “Why are you here,” he growled, jaw shaking.

She pouted. “Didn’t you miss me at all?”

“Oh I was doing fine without you, believe me.”

“You’ve died how many times without me, again?”

He gripped her wrist tightly under the table, nails starting to dig into her skin. “Whose body is it this time?”

“Again, someone who’d be brain dead without me. Whatever you have against me, the state the healthcare system is in is not my fault. Again, I catered to your principles before coming anywhere near you.” Her mouth twisted into a smile. “Though I hear you and Dean are significantly less principled these days. Working with Crowley?” She tutted softly.

Sam smiled with her, tightening his grip on her wrist. “You haven’t answered my question yet. Why. Are you _here_?”

She stopped smiling, and raised her chin with some defiance. “Because where else am I supposed to go? I finally made it out of hell and the world got even fucking weirder. Crowley was in charge, the angels were making us look reasonable… And Sam Winchester had saved the world.”

He waited, as she eventually broke from his stare and shrugged. “I thought you’d come round to the whole Lucifer thing. It being your grand _destiny_ and all that crap.” She looked back at him, still not smiling. “Shoot me dead…”

“Don’t tempt me.”

“…but I actually sorta wanted what was best for you.”

“What was best for me?”

He let go of her arm at last, and surprised himself as he started to laugh aloud. “Seriously? I ended up in the deepest pit of hell with two pissed off archangels for company! Yeah that worked out a fucking treat.”

People had started to cast them concerned glances. Sam calmed his face slightly. He hadn’t felt this out of control, out of sorts, for a long time now. He scraped his fingers back through his hair, pushing some of it back behind an ear.

“Well that’s grown,” Ruby noted, appreciatively. “I like it. It makes you look… I dunno more grown into yourself.” She grinned, before taking a hint from his still stony expression. “Look, I actually didn’t come to find you to come and dredge up the past. I wanted to… ask you for something.”

“No offers to help me with something? Cutting right to the chase now.”

“Yeah, I suppose I am. Look, I’ve heard something about what you’ve been up to, just a few things. Is it true you were trying to cure a demon?”

Sam stared at her for a long while before eventually starting to smile strangely at her. “Yes.”

“What does that mean?” She had become even more earnest now, elbow on the table, bringing her closer towards him. “Do they… die?”

“They become human again.”

She released one long breath in seeming relief, and smiled, then snapped her head back up to look at him. “Please. Can you do that for me?”

Sam had to laugh again. “You? You the person who almost made me into a demon wants me to turn her human?”

She wasn’t turning away. “Please Sam. I didn’t ask for how I turned out any more than Dean did after he went to hell. I just want another chance.”

Sam leant back, smiled shook his head. “This is ridiculous.”

“One less demon for you to smite. And one more human out there who owes you a favour. And one more life saved. I thought you guys were all about saving people?”

“To be honest I’m not so sure anymore.” He sighed. “Look it’s not so simple. When I was trying to cure Crowley I had to stop because…” _Because it would have killed me_. He was about to refuse Ruby on that reasoning, just on the chance that the trials had meant that any demon he cured would mean his death, and the gates of hell closing. But he would have done it before, with Crowley, even knowing that. But Dean had stopped him, had stopped him dying, and where had that got them? Their relationship fucked up all over again, Cas had been alone, vulnerable and in danger for months …and Kevin Tran had lain dead on the floor of the bunker at his hand.

Ruby said she was wanting was just another chance. But she was offering Sam a chance too. Just a chance, that the trials could still work, could still be finished.

“…because…?”

“You know what? It’s ok. I’ll cure you.”

She narrowed her eyes, which had returned to the dark brown of her vessel. “You mean it? When?”

Dean had been thinking of leaving for a bar when Sam had left him. He wouldn’t be looking for Sam for hours yet.

“Now could work.”

*

“So it didn’t like, go wrong, last time with Crowley, did it? It was working, right?”

Sam smiled absently as he plunged the needle into his arm for the second time. “It worked. And Crowley’s alive - well - he’s kicking anyway. Do you feel any different?”

“No. I don’t think so anyway.”

Sam didn’t feel a change either. Maybe the trial power would take longer to kick in this time. Certainly everything else was different. He felt more like a doctor than a torturer this time around, with a willing patient to work on, although admittedly the church they’d managed to find was far more creepy. But maybe that was just because of the darkness. He’d even prayed differently this time, thinking more at first about individual cases, about not being strong enough against the angel inside of him enough to protect Kevin, about not being strong enough to finish the trials, and about somehow losing track of his ‘principles’ somewhere along the way. He thought about meeting Garth’s family, and apologised for Madison, again. Eventually he had also mentioned his brother, and the thought that he should have treated him better all his life, remembering that there was a chance he might never see him again.

If that were true, he wasn’t sure how Dean would bear it. Surely he’d learnt by now not to do anything stupid, surely Cas would prevent him from that… If anyone could help Dean, surely it was Cas.

Cas who’d told him how much he hoped that _maybe Winchesters could change too_.

“We going again then?” She looked nervous. Sam was reminded slightly of when he’d told her that angels were walking the earth again.

“Yeah.” He moved forward and gently pushed down his blood into her neck. She sighed slightly.

Once again he put down the syringe and picked up his phone. He’d remembered how long this would take, and rattled off an excuse to Dean about going off on his own for a night. He said he’d met a girl. Well, it was true, and it would make Dean happy for a while.

“So does this have to come from a needle, or could I lick it right out of your arm, like old times?”

“No. The syringe.”

“Is it any human’s blood that works?”

“Any human who’s just given confession.”

She smiled, and rolled her eyes slightly. “Ah. So that’s what you were doing out there. I wondered. But what the hell did you have to confess?”

“Like you said, I suppose my morals have slipped.”

“No, I said that to rile you. You’ve gotten more practical, not meaner. Are you saying you still have a major guilt complex on your hands, Sammy? Cause when I knew you, it was at Catholic proportions.”

In the dark, his knuckles clenched slightly at her use of the name. “Goes with the job.”

“Huh. I suppose if it’s working for me I suppose I shouldn’t be complaining.”

“Maybe shut your mouth for a bit then?”

“Ok then.”

She was quiet for a good five minutes maybe. “But you know you can tell an awful lot about a guy who actively runs to help a stranger get back on her feet.”

“Maybe I was just some guy who saw a pretty girl on her own and thought he’d try his luck.”

She laughed. “Then why did I have to offer to buy _you_ dinner?”

He thought for a moment. “Why is how I see myself so important to you?”

“You still don’t get it, do you? I really did care before, you know. You were… everything to me really. It was annoying then, and it’s annoying now when you can’t see what I see.”

Sam plunged the syringe back into his arm. As he walked back towards her, trying to keep the rage on his face controlled, he asked, “And what’s that?”  
Her eyes were shining as he pushed his blood down into her veins, and he knew it wasn’t because of the physical pain. Moonlight was shining through the church window over her face, and it made her look like a woman from an old monochrome film.

“Before, you were some sort of dark messiah figure who just hadn’t worked out what he could be yet. Now… Sam, I’ve heard the story. You literally had Lucifer himself inside of you and threw him and yourself back into hell, thinking you’d never be coming back again.”  
 _And nowadays I can’t even get control over a regular angel. I have slipped._

“…All that to save the world. Sam, I thought I knew all about your potential. I suppose everyone did. But now… You got so much more awesome than anyone ever dreamed of. You could have ruled the world but you gave it all up to die for it. Dude, you basically are Jesus. And hell, I never thought of myself as a Christian, but I’d follow that, if you’d have me.”

Sam started to turn away, and Ruby stood up, shaking slightly.

“Because I still do care,” she whispered, tentatively trying to place a small hand on his shoulder. Sam grabbed her wrist again and spun around to tower over her, suddenly aware that they were both still wearing their tight jogging gear. “Don’t,” he growled, and purposefully putting the syringe back on the alter, he marched out of the church, slamming the doors behind him.

He dragged both of his large hands over his face and groaned, as though trying to wake himself up. What was the point in carrying on? Ruby was clearly still just trying to find some way of manipulating him, for some as yet unknown purpose. Dean would have called him an idiot and more for even letting things get this far. But he’d so badly needed things to be over, to sacrifice himself for some higher cause all over again. To feel that everything in his life had been worth something. To feel cleansed again.

“But it’s not working,” he muttered aloud to himself.

“What’s not working?”

Ruby had followed him out. “You,” he stated coldly. “You were supposed to be my second chance at closing up Hell, but hey! Apparently all the trial magic shit has gone now that I’m all healed up and if I wanted to try again, I’d have to go and do everything all over again. And I wouldn’t be able to do all of that without some help from Dean, because who the fuck else do I know? And then he would know, and he’d try and stop me. Again.”

“Well if you need some help…”

“Oh. Great. Well that’d be interesting because if you really do care so much, Ruby, then you wouldn’t want me to do it either, because it means I die at the end. Yup. That’s endgame. And if you’re not on my side, then you’d just want to stop me to stop me closing Hell. Unless of course you’ve come to me once again on some hidden agenda that no one but you knows anything about!”

Ruby took a step towards him once his hands had stopped waving about dramatically in the air. “Sam, why is this so important? I just don’t understand why you think this is worth your life.”

“It’s worth someone’s life. Why not mine?” He let out a long breath. “And I just wanted… I just wanted to feel clean again. To feel _purified._ But that’s never been me, whatever I do there’s never been any getting around it. You helped show me that.”

“And you proved me wrong. When you jumped into that Pit. But you don’t need to do it twice.”

Sam turned his face away from her, but gently she reached up and cupped it with her hands. “Sam Winchester? For some reason, you think you’re not already pure, that you’re not already good. But look at me. I’m… I’m feeling more things again, there isn’t the same bitter weight clenched round my fucking heart. If I showed you my real eyes, and you could see them in this light, I’m not sure they’d be black anymore. Sam, just like my blood once started changing you for worse, your blood… it’s starting to change me.”

Sam took a few deep breaths. “You wanna go back inside and keep trying at this then?”

She let go of his face, and the flash of teeth he could make out in the dark let him know she was grinning. “That’s why I’m here, Dumbo.”

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got a lot of ideas for this fic... dammit. I just want Ruby back. That's all this is.


	2. Under the Influence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby begins to doubt that returning to humanity is really what she wants, while Dean makes a drunk dial he may regret in the morning.
> 
> *
> 
> “What are you, my therapist now?”
> 
> “Just your new dealer, apparently.”

Ruby was still meeting Sam’s eyes as he administered the blood again, but her gaze was shakier now than he’d ever seen it. She was unsure of herself.

As he took the needle out again she slumped in the chair, only slightly, so that she no longer had to be staring directly at him. Despite himself, Sam felt something like sympathy. About this time in the process last time, the King of Hell had started to cry, asking “Where do I even begin to look for forgiveness?”

And yet Ruby was silent.

“How’s it feeling?” he asked, the words slipping out before he could stop them. But still she wouldn’t look up, and Sam had strain his hearing to listen to her.

“How do you stand it?”

“Stand what?” Sam crouched, trying to get a look at her face now. It didn’t look as though she’d shed any tears, but she had the strangest of expressions on her face, as though someone had just shocked her into silence.

“All of it. The feelings. I’d forgotten… I can’t remember any longer how to deal with them. I’d thought… I’d thought I could handle them but it’s too hard, I can’t do it.”

“Ruby…”

“There’s no point, Sam. You should stick my knife home right now, I’m not going to make it through this in one piece.” Despite the words gushing out of her with such unexpected emotion, she still managed somehow to sound measured, and so damn sure of herself.

“We’re… we’re almost finished Ruby.”

She laughed at him, but there was a coldness to it which sounded laced with terror.

“Sam, you have minus reasons to keep me alive. You should just kill me off. Again.”

The Older Brother voice in Sam’s head that never quite went away rolled His eyes in frustrated concurrence. With difficulty, Sam made an effort to ignore His vigorous nodding, and turned back to Ruby, straight-faced. “I finish what I start.”

“Because that worked out so well with Lilith, huh?”

Sam took a deep breath, composed himself again.

“What is it you can’t face, Ruby?”

“Oh y’know. Just myself. Personal demons, all that bullcrap.”

Sam realised that despite everything he’d ever gone through with Ruby, he must know next to nothing about her. When he had been close to her, he’d spent every moment he was able to trying to forget what she was.

But now he could be honest with himself about that. And he was curious.

Sam took a seat on the alter beside her chair, his head almost reaching her shoulder. “Oh yeah? Do tell.”

“What are you, my therapist now?”

“Just your new dealer, apparently.”

She glared moodily down at him, and he smiled, thinly.

“You even smile like a younger sibling.”

“Oh really?” Sam managed to catch himself before he laughed. He wasn’t supposed to be enjoying any of this. “You had siblings.”

She shrugged. “Sam, believe me, you don’t wanna go there.”

He exhaled loudly. “I thought the whole point of this was you giving yourself a second chance, not beating yourself up about-”

“-about shit that happened before you were born, I know. But I thought it would be different.” She slowly balled her hands into fists, her knuckles cracking loudly. “I’d thought I’d feel like a whole new shiny person. But I just feel the same, it’s just that it… hurts more. I suppose some things you screw up and you can’t ever unscrew ‘em.”

Sam remembered briefly Tracy confronting him, reminding him of what he’d unleashed when he’d opened up Lucifer’s cage, and that some could never forgive him for that. He remembered Dean letting out outside a different church that _he_ even still blamed him for the entire thing.

“I suppose. So what’re your unforgiveables?”

She laughed, almost genuinely this time. “Sam, I’m a demon. I could write Bibles on everything I’ve done wrong. I’ve slaughtered children, bought souls for early returns, I’ve flayed the skin off backs and helped to start wars… Sam, I never had a reason for any of this, I just... I just wanted other people to feel as badly as I did, I wanted to crush the whole world down to my level. I suppose that’s why I worked so hard to see the apocalypse arrive. I just wanted everyone, _everyone,_ to pay somehow, for no one to be left sitting on their fucking high horses… nobody like Dean. I wanted him in Hell Sam, and not because I wanted you alone. I wanted him in Hell because I couldn’t bear the sheer judgement I saw in his eyes every time he looked at me. I wanted him broken.”

She looked down at Sam with dark eyes that gleamed but never seemed to flood. “But you were so much worse because you didn’t look at me like that. You knew what I was and what that meant but you listened to what I had to say anyway, you gave a damn. And I knew exactly who I was but you, you almost made me think differently, you almost made me think half the time that I really was looking for redemption somehow.” Her laugh had a hysterical edge to it now. “And so here I am!” She kept laughing, but the laugh turned into a sob and she plunged her face into her fists.

Sam thought for a moment about stroking her hair, patting her back, anything, any of the things he might do for an old acquaintance, or any human woman who’d suddenly broken into hysterics. But nothing felt right, he couldn’t pretend she wasn’t the same person as the demon who’d betrayed him, that he’d gone to bed for too many nights cursing the name of. But she was right. For whatever reason, he had cared back then, and still, for reasons entirely unfathomable, cared now.

She’d wanted Dean in Hell, she’d just admitted that.

What the hell was wrong with him? What was he still doing here? What was she still doing alive?

But there had been Meg, hadn’t there? Meg who’d tried to kill them, Meg who’d killed Jo and Ellen, Meg who’d possessed him. Meg who’d died saving them, in the end.

Standing again, Sam reached for the syringe, and filled it for what he believed was the last time.

“Sit up Ruby.”

She looked up like a small child might while trying to hide behind its hair. Her dreadlocks had broken from the elastic holding them up; her hair really was now clouding her face like a lion’s mane. To his surprise, she sat up obediently.

Before he could plunge the needle back into her neck again, Ruby suddenly clutched his arm, and stared back up at him, eyes wide. “Sam. I did a hell of a lot. But there’s just one thing you have to believe me on, ok? I didn’t know about Lucifer, I never knew. Hell, Lilith never knew.”

Sam almost laughed. Lowering the syringe slowly, he tried saying, “Ruby, your entire crusade was to get me to Lilith-”

“-And break the Devil out, I know. But Sam I never knew he was coming for you. I’ll swear it to anything you like. I had no idea you were supposed to be the vessel.”

That shouldn’t feel as though it somehow made things better. But…

“To be honest I don’t even know how I’d have dealt with it if I had known. I cared about two things then, keeping you safe, and trying to set Lucifer free. If I’d have known the two things clashed…”

“You’d have confessed to everything and tried to get me to run away with you?”

The edges of her lips quirked up slightly. “Something like that I guess.”

Sam raised the syringe again, along with an eyebrow. “Ok.”

And plunged the needle down for the final time.

*

Dean wasn’t sure why he was still awake. It was five in the morning, he was alone with a laptop which currently had zero porn tabs open, and he’d drank… Well. A lot, to himself. He knew what Sam would say if he came in and saw the empty bottles. He’d spout something about health and alcoholism and, oh yeah, go get a life Dean.

But surely Sammy wasn’t all that much for talking anymore. Not as brothers.

But what the fuck else were they supposed to be to each other? Colleagues? Real life agents working in basic co-worker harmony?

Or were they being friends now? BEST friends, just, you know, to explain away the whole living together thing.

Were roommates supposed to worry about each other when the other stayed out all night? Or was that something that belonged in the strictly family department?

Thinking about it, and it was starting to hurt to do that for too long, Dean wouldn’t really know the rules behind a close friendship, he’d never really had one before. Seemed like he just kept on losing family and adopting more in their place, more people to see hurt, to let die.

Well. Benny had been a friend. There was Benny.

Someone that let you chop their fucking head off as a favour definitely had to count as a close friend. He’d been too good… he’d saved Sam for him, saved Cas…

Cas.

He’d, well he’d said Cas was family, so not really a friend there exactly - he’d told him once that he thought of him as brother. Which, admittedly, had been a lie. Dean wasn’t sure what Cas was, exactly, what position he’d been supposed to fill in their little makeshift family, only that he mattered enough to belong to it.

He’d never really had much of an opportunity to find out. Even with his wings clipped, Cas never stayed.

Which sucked if they were meant to be friends. Friends were supposed to do things with each other, weren’t they? To hang out…

Dean wasn’t quite sure just how the phone had made it into his hand, how Cas’ name had appeared on the screen, but a moment later and his call was ringing out against his ear. Despite himself, Dean could feel himself holding his breath. Getting nervous as the call continued unanswered, he started to shake at his empty glass, making the ice cubes there topple over themselves.

Answering machine. Obviously.

“Hey, buddy, it’s me. Can’t really remember where you’re supposed to be. But you should get back here, to the bunker, to me and Sam. I came back Cas. You should too, alright? That was the deal before I started listening to that Gadreel dick. All of us back in the bunker. Because it… it’s not right when you’re not around. I dunno, it’s just more fun, or it’s more… I dunno. I dunno. Maybe I just like having you around so that… yeah. Yeah. You just… you tell me when I’ve screwed up but you don’t push it up in my face all the time, you’re more like, hey, let’s move on. I dunno, I dunno why I’m saying any of this down your answering machine. I’ll bet anything you’ll never get this. I coulda just prayed to you. You know I kinda miss doing that?” Dean put his glass back down on the table with a small thud and leant back in his chair, his neck craning back so that he faced the ceiling. “I didn’t think it’d be like that… but it was nice knowing some almighty all-caring being was listening for you. But, I mean… it was kinda cool, you being human. Kinda awesome actually, I never really told you that though. All that you said about teaching you how to do it? I was so ready for that. For us to be on the same plane for just this one time. Yeah.”

He sat the chair back on all four legs, stood up, only a little shakily, to reach for another drink. “Yeah... Dude, I am sorry about your wings but it feels fucking great to know you can’t just bounce on me anymore. You know, if you ever get back here you won’t be able to just… disappear. We might actually get to work things out, you can’t just gimme that look and then leave and leave me… Cas you got to know how you leave me feeling. And I don’t know if I can stand that whole dance anymore when all I want to do is really fucking simple…” Dean breathed in sharply, caught himself from finishing his sentence.

“Fuck it. I’m not that drunk,” he muttered, and hung up the phone, tossing it back on the table.

*

Ruby started almost convulsing when the last of the blood entered her bloodstream. Starting to take large gasps for breath, she fell on her knees for support.

“Sam,” she sobbed quietly. “I-”

Kneeling in front of her chair, Sam got a tight grip on both of her arms, and shook her slightly so that she was forced to look at him and started the incantation. Funny what you remembered. He didn’t hesitate on a single word.

“SAM. Please, please…”

Finishing with the Latin, Sam start making shushing sounds as he might to comfort a child, and took out Ruby’s knife. She started slightly at the sight of it, even as he used it only on himself to slice open his palm. Wide-eyed, she almost looked as though she wanted to flee as he pressed his hand to her mouth. It almost took up her entire face, he noticed as a blinding white light shone out from her mouth, and eyes, and every pore.

When it was over she slumped over into Sam’s waiting arms. He continued making hushing noises as he stroke a thumb softly down her hair, over her neck as she continued to cry, making his shoulder damp from tears.

“It’s never going to stop, is it?”

It was a child’s whisper he heard, a beaten child’s.

“No.”

She gave one last shake and extricated herself from his arms. “Awesome.” She started trying to dry her wet eyes before simply sliding her hands down her whole face as though she was trying to take skin off along with the tears.

Kneeling beside him, she gave a small smile. “What do we do now then?”

“ _We?”_

Suddenly there were other voices, outside. “…In here, officer, I could still hear them an hour ago, I’ll bet they’re still in there.”

“…Father, do you mind getting the keys for us? It all looks pretty shut up…”

Sam closed his eyes slightly in exasperation. This was not his night. “C’mon then,” he muttered, and grabbed Ruby’s hand as he leapt to his feet, dragging her to hers.

“How do we get out if they’re at the front?” she whispered.

Sam shrugged. “Improvise?”

Pulling her along behind him, Sam leapt over the alter. There had been another door around here somewhere… Ah!

As they scampered down the wooden steps to the back door, the main entrance to the doors swung open. “I told you it wouldn’t be locked…”

“Wait, that’s them, isn’t it?”

To his surprise, Sam heard Ruby bark out a laugh, and before he knew it she had let go of his hand and raced away in front of him.

“Stop right there!”

Not sure whether to grin or not, Sam raced out the door after her, into the rain.

He found her a few moments later on a driveway round the corner. She’d curled herself in a ball, and had her head buried in her knees. Sam could see from the little of her face that was visible that she’d started crying again, but she was still laughing, and until she spoke he wasn’t sure that she was even aware of him.

“First minute as a human and I almost get arrested. Fucking Hell.”

Sam smiled tightly. “Well, you weren’t. So well done, you’re surviving ok so far.”

“Hmm. So I’m mortal now. This,” she said, gesturing to herself, wet hair flicking everywhere, “This is all of me now. Huh. If I break it… that’s it.”

“Try not to break it then, I suppose.” Sam started walking backwards away from her. He’d remembered again what her presence meant. Really, he should kill her. She was too much a danger to them to be left walking around on her own. She knew far too much. How had she ever known how to find him?

But after all that… He didn’t think he had that in him. And he was tired and hungry and wet and he just wanted to get back to the bunker and go to bed before the sun came up.

“Sam. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

She hadn’t stood up yet, she was still calling up to him from her perch on the ground.

He turned his back to her and kept moving. “That makes two of us then. I dunno Ruby, get out there and live, do something with yourself.”

“Sam I know I don’t have the right to-”

“Nope.”

“-But I want to come with you. I can be helpful. And you’re never gonna find anyone who’s as loyal-”

“Leave it Ruby.”

“Sam, I’ve been around for a long time, I was up there with some of the highest circles of Hell, I _know_ shit!”

He could hear that she’d stood up now, that she’d started to follow him, but still he didn’t look back.

“Haven’t you wondered about how I got out of wherever you guys sent me? Have you ever known a demon to come back from being stabbed with that knife, or an angel by an angel blade?”

Her voice had risen to new desperate heights. But Sam kept walking, until he stopped, unwillingly to hear what she was saying now, so quietly.

“I’m sorry Sam.”

He started walking again. But then, so faint he might have imagined it, “Thank you.”

He sighed heavily and kept walking. His running clothes were soaked through now, his hair was dripping. He almost stopped so many times before he finally allowed himself to look back. She cut a lonely little figure – she wasn’t looking at him now, she was looking up at the seemingly endless ceiling of dark clouds in the sky, like she was trying to look for the stars behind them.

His Older Brother voice was screaming at him.

“Ruby.”

Her head turned slowly, she wasn’t expecting anything.

“Come on then.”

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...SO I added some Destiel. It's going to be a longer fic than originally planned so I couldn't not.  
>  I shouldn't normally take this long to post - I spend enough time procrastinating that surely I can spend some of that time productively.


	3. Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is reintroduced to the girl Sam's brought home with him, and Cas checks his voicemail.
> 
> *
> 
> “Don’t you recognise me, Dean?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm drawing on a fair amount from recent canon episodes - going to try sticking around the vicinity of what's going on in season 9, so the show should definitely make an effort to stop all these unnecessary hiatus'. Yeah.

Dean might have been feeling like death, but his Dad had never raised him to be anything but the lightest of sleepers. So when the bunker door swung shut and he heard footsteps, his eyes flicked open immediately. Footsteps… yeah, that was a plural. One pair sounded like Sam’s, sure, but who was with him?

Last night... _Before Dean had started trying to call anyone…_ Sam had said he’d met a girl, hadn’t he? But he wouldn’t have brought her back here, not intentionally.

Dean almost rolled his eyes. If a Winchester had picked up yet another hook-up from Hell…

Quietly, Dean slipped out of his bed. He’d luckily slipped back into the habit of sleeping fully clothed, though if he was honest, it pained him, the amount of dirt that ended up on his dream mattress from wearing his boots there.

Pulling out his gun, Dean started moving towards the main room, where he could now hear voices.

“…This is some place you picked up. Some old family money appeared from nowhere?”

“Something like that.”

Well, Sam didn’t sound worried, that was something. Actually, that was his default voice for trying not to laugh. And that _was_ a chick down there, and not a voice Dean recognised.

But none of that explained why Sam had brought her back with him…

Dean moved out into the room, finger still perched on the trigger of his half-cocked gun. “Sammy. Who’s the friend?”

The friend moved out from behind Sam, whose mouth had formed into a perfect wide “O”. She would look kind of adorable, in all that tight little running gear, if it wasn’t for the smile spreading over her face, that almost seemed familiar. There was something smug and guarded about it that didn’t match the rest of her. Maybe Carribbean origins. She certainly had dreads that were extremely Jack Sparrow.

But then, what the hell did body image mean these days.

“Dean. It’s been a while. You’re looking a bit haggard, might want to lay off the drink.”

Dean ignored the hand held out to him and slowly started pointing his gun at her chest. “Sam,” he said, not taking his eyes off her, “Who. In Hell. Is this.”

“Ok, this might take a little while to explain, so why don’t you put down the gun…”

“Oh, I think I’m _fine_ like this, Sammy.”

Sam shot him a bitchface of doom and started walking towards him. “Dean-”

“Don’t you recognise me, Dean?”

She smiled again – again, it was naggingly familiar. “Sam,” Dean intoned, still staring at the girl, “Did you bring a demon in here?”

The woman’s smile split into a wide grin. “Nope.” She through her arms wide. “Feel free to test me -  I am as human as you are.”

“I cured her, Dean.”

“ _That’s_ your idea of spending a night out with a girl? Seriously? And _who_ is she?”

“I’m Ruby. Hi, again.”

Dean felt his jaw drop slightly. “Ruby.” He glanced at Sam. “Wow. Ok. This just keeps getting better. Funny, I thought I killed you already, but believe me, I am happy to go for another round. Get out of my way Sam.”

“Dean, it’s like you said, we don’t know how she’s alive, what that could mean…”

“Frankly, it doesn’t mean more to me that the joy I would get for killing this bitch off again.”

Sam’s mouth set, and his arms crossed. For the millionth time, Dean wondered why he couldn’t have been the older _and_ taller one. “She’s human now, Dean. We don’t kill humans.”

“We do what we have to.”

“And this isn’t something you _have_ to do.”

“And you didn’t have to bring her here! After all this time Sam, I thought you were over this whole thing, I thought I could trust you!”

Sam lowered his voice, and before he’d even said anything Dean was close to groaning. He’d walked straight into this one. “And I thought I could trust you, Dean. But that didn’t work out so well. I knew what I wanted back in that hospital. But you knew best, you did what you had to.”

Dean said nothing.

“Please, hear me out? I swear I’ve not just ran into this one. And I think you owe me enough to hear me out.”

Dean backed off, and leant on the table, but didn’t put his gun away. “Ok. I’m listening.”

As Sam moved slightly so that he stood beside and not in front of Ruby #3, Dean turned back to look at her. At least she’d wiped that stupid smirk off her face.

“So. What floorboard did you crawl out from under?”

She crossed her arms, another familiar gesture, jarring with the new form. “I’m not sure exactly.”

“Well, apparently this is what you’re here to talk about, cunt, so, by all means, talk.”

Sam gave him a strange look. Admittedly, Dean too was finding it a little surprising – the extent to which he still wanted to hurt her, to kill her over and over and over again and watch Sam do the same. But it was rattling, seeing her working with Sam again, to see Sam look offended on her behalf. Hadn’t they moved past all that by now?

She sighed pointedly. “I’m not sure exactly, because I didn’t exist again until a few months ago. Until the Angels fell.”

“Wait, wait, wait, but where did you _go_?”

_If you kill a monster in purgatory…_

“I just told you. I. Don’t. Know. But this isn’t like arriving back from Hell, or, Heaven I suppose. I don’t remember anything of what happened to me after you stabbed me. I honestly think I did just… stop existing.”

“Until the angels fell,” Sam murmured, pulling himself a chair, and running his fingers back through his wet mane of hair.

“Metatron messed with a lot it seems. Dick has a lot to answer for – including you, apparently. But how do we know you’re not just talking out of your ass?”

“We don’t,” Sam cut in before she could answer. “But what reason does she have to lie?”

Dean raised both eyebrows, and turned to face Sam, gun still pointed at Ruby. “What reason does she have? Sam, this is Ruby. What reason has she _ever_ had?”

“Dean, she’s human now.”

Dean laughed himself to his feet, and started pacing, gun still in his hand. “Yeah, because we’ve met so many trustworthy ones of those.”

“Last time I heard you weren’t all that tight with that… Meg, you called her? But now I’m hearing stories about you guys fighting along with her, stories about you hanging out with Crowley on the weekends.” Dean had stopped noticing how close she had gotten to the two of them – he’d been too focused on Sam.

“ _That_ is another point. You say you’ve been gone all this time, but you seem more informed on the news of the day than Jon Fucking Stewart. How? And, more importantly,” he was up in her face now, she a head or so smaller than him - he could smell the coconut in her shampoo, “how did you find us? No. Wait. How did you find _Sam?_ ”

She gave the arm that was holding the gun a firm shove back away from her. “Down, boy. Now to the first: I also told you I’ve been back a few months. Now I am smart, and I am neither deaf, nor dumb. I got ways of finding out what’s going on when I want to know. I found you boys the same way I knew to go find you in the first place.”

“Uh-huh, and what’s that.”

“Crowley.”

Both of them stared.

“A slimeball, don’t you think? He tried one of his win-win salesman deals on me a little while back. He told me that you’d discovered how to turn a demon human, and that he wanted to know if it would actually work. He needed a guinea-pig, and there I was.”

Dean exchanged a look with Sam, who had started smiling for some reason at the guinea-pig mention. “What’s he playing at now?”

“Well, he was still trying to take more blood before…”

“Yeah, but not when we needed him to help hunt Gadreel. He didn’t take the bait then. Why’s he interested now?”

Sam shrugged. “It’s Crowley. He likes, having things, knowing stuff.”

“But,” said Dean, turning back to look at Ruby, “that doesn’t explain why he knew you’d make a good test study. Why did he single you out? You’re not one of his redshirts… are you?”

She bared her teeth slightly at the suggestion. “I’m no-one’s anything. And certainly not Crowley’s. King of Hell?” She shuddered dramatically. “Ew. Please. To answer your question, that’s why he _did_ approach me, I think. I was without ties.”

“Not to Abbadon either, then.”

Ruby smiled. “Now _there_ is a proper ruler. But no.” She clasped her folded arms tighter towards herself, and looked up at him defensively. “I guess I was too tired. I come back and everything I worked for had failed, thanks to you boys. It was a whole new world and I just… didn’t care. Couldn’t bring myself to. And then Crowley comes along and tells me you might have a third option for me.”

“Turning human.”

“You got it. I didn’t want to just keep _existing_ but I didn’t particularly want to stop again. This seemed… too good to be true, I didn’t take Crowley’s word on it, not at first. So I went to ask Sam himself.”

“So,” Dean started, nodding to himself as he stood up again and started moving towards Sam, “You gave her the go-ahead, when you _knew_ you had no reason to trust her, that this could all have blown up in your face if Abbadon had been just waiting with an ambush – Hell, still might be, and you lied to me about it. Wanna explain why?”

Sam stared at him unwaveringly. “Ruby, why don’t you go get a shower, get those clothes dry.”

She looked at them both squaring off. “…Suits me.”

“Oh no, she is not just making herself at home here. We are not turning the bunker into a fucking hospital for homeless demons. No.”

“Dean,” Sam sighed, through gritted teeth, “We’ll get to figuring out what to do with her later. But for now, she’s just a human, a human woman who’s starting to shiver in her wet clothes.”

“Yeah, human only thanks to you. Now we have a human we might have to kill instead of a demon. Awesome.”

Sam looked as though Dean had just slapped him. “C’mon Ruby,” he said, still looking at Dean, “I’ll show you where the showers are.”

As he watched Sam lead her away, Dean slumped back against the wall and closed his eyes slightly.

“Glad to see you’re so keen to get duped again Sammy,” he muttered to himself, filled with tired certainty that whatever was going on here, it wouldn’t end well.

_And if Crowley was supposed to be busy tracking down the first blade, what the Hell was he doing hanging out with Ruby?_

Keeping his eyes shut, Dean lightly started bashing his head against the wall, trying not to remember that Kevin had died right at this spot, pinned against the wall by something that looked like Sam.

*

“A whole room for showers, this place is quite something, Sam.”

“Yeah, quite something.” Sam gave her a twitchy sort of the smile along with the towel he was handing her.

“I am sorry Sam. I didn’t mean to come between you too so soon.”

Sam narrowed his eyes slightly. “Oh really?”

“I’m not saying I’ve suddenly discovered a whole load of demonically repressed love for your brother. But I didn’t mean to make things harder on you. Sounds like you’ve got enough on your plate, with this Gadreel guy to chase. Another angel?”

“Yeah.”

“You guys have been real busy since I left… but I can’t work out if you’ve changed all that much. Dean seems the same, anyway.”

Sam thought for a moment as he turned to leave her. “I dunno. A few years ago, he would have just shot first.”

Tramping up the steps, Sam tried not to sigh. _How_ did he manage to get himself into these situations? He still had no better idea of what they were supposed to do with an ex-demon they had no reason to trust. Sure, he’d reminded Dean only moments ago that they weren’t supposed to kill humans. But how many possessed souls might they have been able to free instead of kill had they only spared a little more time? Like Dean had said, these days they tended to what they had to. _Less principled,_ that was how Ruby had put it. But this wasn’t the heat of some battle. They _had_ time to sort this out if they wanted to, to figure this out and find a solution, if they would only try.

It wasn’t exactly for Ruby herself that he was standing up for her – although if Sam was honest, after going through the full curing process with her, he felt responsible for her somehow – it was more for them. Above all, they were supposed to be about _saving people,_ it shouldn’t matter _who_ the people were, or what they’d been in the past…

“Hey,” Sam said as he walked back into the main room. Dean was sitting at the table fiddling with his phone, not looking up at him. 

“Hey,” Dean answered eventually. His voice had that even deeper gruffness usually  present after he’d been drinking. Sure enough, there was a beer, half-empty, cradled in Dean’s left hand.

 “You’re drinking early again.”

Dean looked up at him, green eyes cold and unamused. “Wow Sam, thanks for the concern. But not really our biggest problem right now.” Clinking his beer back down on the table and slowly putting away his phone, Dean got to his feet.

“So. You’re listening to demon bitches again.”

“Again, not a demon-”

“And again, only because you listened to her, and turned her. Just, awesome.”

Sam sighed, looked at his feet for a minute. “Dean. We all end up making mistakes, that doesn’t mean we have to be known for them our entire lives.”

He could see Dean’s expression harden, could hear him asking, _If you’re so up on forgiveness, then why put me in the doghouse?_

But Dean wasn’t going to say anything like that. Sam knew he was too deeply back in the past on this one. Sam knew that all Dean could feel when Sam stood next to Ruby, stood up for her, was the big apocalyptic fears all flooding back. The panic that everything was out of control, that Sam would choose to trust in a demon over him, that he might have to kill his little brother just to stop the world ending…

Again, Dean wasn’t a great one for expressing himself. If he couldn’t ask Cas to stick around and share a drink with him, he was hardly going to be able to articulate his deepest fears to Sam, the brother he still felt honour-bound to protect.

“Why bring her here, Sam?”

“Look Dean, I-”

“If this is all about breaking out of a dry spell, there are easier ways to go get some than turning your old demon fuck-buddy human. Even for you-”

Sam started to clench his jaw. “Dean.”

“I mean this wasn’t just going out of your way slightly, Sam, for all we knew you could still have had some trial mojo in you and that one good deed could have been the death of you.” He took another swig of his beer, then stopped and narrowed his eyes as Sam still didn’t answer.

“Oh no. No. After all we went through to save you, you can’t be telling me you’re still running some personal kamikaze mission.”

Sam breathed out slowly.

“No.” Dean grabbed Sam’s arms, forced him to look back at him. “You stupid sonofabitch.”

“Why? Because you’re afraid to be alone?”

The words had flown out of Sam’s mouth before he had a chance to stop, to edit, and so he was forced to watch Dean’s face momentarily fall, like a kicked dog’s, before settling back into a hardened mask.

Sam started quieter this time. “Dean, please, tell me, honestly - what is the upside to me being alive?”

“What is the _upside?_ Sam you’re still alive!”

“But Kevin’s not.”

Dean flinched.

“Kevin’s gone and Hell’s still open. Now I know for sure that chance to close Hell is over, I know that now. But Ruby brings up – she brings up more questions. Where do all the souls go? Don’t you think we should find out – and, I mean, what if this is relevant _now_ if Heaven really is closed up for good? Where do we _go?_ ”

Dean paused a moment, then shook his head slightly as though trying to get an image out of his head. “Frankly Sam, I don’t care! I care about doing our jobs – after all, weren’t you the one saying we were strictly business? Well, last time I checked, we were in the _business_ of killing monsters.”

“Yeah, like we killed Garth, or Benny.”

Dean started shaking his beer bottle at Sam. “Don’t you compare her-”

“Hell, Meg almost got Bobby to kill you, and a couple of years down the line you trusted her to look after Cas, to _drive your car_ , and she was still the most hardline demon out there.”

“The situation was _entirely_ -”

“Anyway Ruby isn’t a monster, not now. She’s a person. And last time _I_ checked, we were also in the business of saving people.”

Dean started walking backwards away from Sam, smiling coldly. “Not quite the same as bringing them back to the bunker though, is it Sammy?”

*

Cas had been listening to, ‘angel radio’ as Dean would call it, for days now, and yet still there seemed to be no indication that any of the fallen host knew anything about Gadreel being on Earth, or his work with Metatron, or anything new on Metatron, for that matter.

The things he _did_ hear were much harder to listen to. His name appeared frequently: he was described as a traitor, a madman, a loose cannon.

A surprising amount of angels on Bartholomew’s side seemed to be aware that Cas had recovered his grace – or, at least, _a_ grace. This one, stolen in the worst way possible, didn’t seem to sit right inside him, his wings didn’t feel the same, beyond their currently broken state.

Dean had asked him how he felt about regaining his angelic status, and Cas had… been evasive. He had never wanted to be human, before, but maybe it was more that he had never really considered it as an option. To go and live life, just one short life, and to some extent, allow himself to stop worrying about the grander heavenly plan, or wonder if there was one.

This grace… it had given him back his powers, but had taken so many of his choices. Even the small ones, like what he wanted to have for lunch. Now, he didn’t need to eat lunch, he didn’t need to think about food at all.

And he still didn’t need to think about Dean. Nothing had changed there, then.

Delving into his pockets for his phone, Cas remembered that, normally, he would have kept his hands in there anyway, for warmth on days like this when all he wanted to do was sit outside in the cool air on a park bench. The day didn’t seem quite the same without the nipping at his nose.

For the second time, Cas found his way into his cellphone’s voicemail, and asked for his one message to replay.

_“…you can’t just gimme that look and then leave and leave me… Cas you got to know how you leave me feeling. And I don’t know if I can stand that whole dance anymore when all I want to do is really fucking simple…”_

Dean had been intoxicated, obviously. His voice was rougher, his words were slurred together, and what he was saying sounded nothing like anything he would say sober. Certainly not to Cas. Maybe to one of the women he frequently mentioned entertaining. Maybe to them.

But what was it that was so simple to Dean? So simple that it only came close to being articulated when the man was at his basest of levels?

And this, this was why Cas had forced himself to leave the Men of Letters’ Bunker before Dean returned, as soon as Sam was healed. He had, truly, sacrificed a great deal to regain his powers, the ability to join the fight. He could not waste that on sitting around the Bunker, quite pleasantly, helping Sam to work cases until Dean inevitably made his return… which would, inevitably, be when Cas would lose the ability to even marginally further his own cause. With Dean Winchester’s stray unfinished thoughts floating about the air, that Cas, despite himself, would never stop trying to catch the end of, how was he supposed to concentrate on listening into celestial thoughts, to finding Gadreel and stopping him, of stopping this war?

Cas glanced down at his phone again, another gift from the Winchesters. Apparently Dean’s unfinished thoughts could still succeed in distracting him from his purpose.

Even after all these years.

*


	4. Perched on Your Shoulder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby tries out some of Sam's wardrobe, Dean is extremely unhappy with his situation and Cas has an encounter with someone he wasn't expecting.
> 
> *
> 
> “What if you’d been stuck there Dean? Stuck down there forever?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm running a little slow with this - many essays are happening/not actually getting written. But the rest of it should all be following much quicker as I have most of it mapped out now :)
> 
> This one's got some show-level mentions of violence...
> 
> As usual any feedback at all will be hungrily lapped up and probably wept over (as I say - essays. It's an emotional time.)

The way she walked out of the showers with that fucking towel-turban around her head you’d have thought she owned the place already. Which had to be what this was about, Dean reasoned. She was after the bunker, and the secrets it held, just like Abbadon had been. Where had she already got hold of a dressing gown? Sam never used his, but did that mean he had to go giving it away to just any of their old enemies who strolled back into their lives.

“Took your time in there.”

She turned, startled, then seemed to force her mouth into a grimacing smile and tightened the dressing gown around herself. “It was a long night,” she said shrugging. She nodded at his growing scruff, raising an eyebrow. “Hope I didn’t use up too much of the hot water.”

Dean grunted, and smiled slightly. Taking a step towards her, he said, nonchalantly, enough, “Nice eyes you got now you can’t turn ‘em black.”

“Why Dean…”

He cupped her chin in his hand, pulling her towards him. “I just want you to understand, Ruby, that as soon as Sam realises whatever game you’re playing, I’ll be here.” She stared up at him, her face emotionless, hard. “I spent decades, decades, Ruby, learning all the best ways to torture a demon all the way through, in every way possible. Believe me. You’re human now? Awesome. That’s just going to make it that much easier to keep you screaming. And I think I might just start off with those pretty brown eyes.”

Ruby’s face contorted into a snarl of utter contempt as she tore her face out of his grip. “Fuck you,” she growled.

Dean stepped towards her again. “What was that?”

She smiled. “It’s interesting. Is that why you don’t believe in the concept of a fresh start, a new leaf? Is it just because underneath you _know_ you never stopped being Alistair’s prize dog?”

He almost lunged at her. He was so close to it. But… there was Sam to think of. There was always Sam to think of. Sam who was trying to make him stick this out almost in some sort of bizarre penance for Kevin.

Well fine. This one could be over _Sam’s_ head.

Clenching his fists tightly, he turned from her and started to walk away.

“What if you’d been stuck there Dean? Stuck down there forever?”

He kept walking away, trying not to listen. That was how the bitch had got Sam onside, he’d stopped and listened.

“What if there hadn’t been any angel there coming to pull you out and you were down there until you went demon?”

Despite himself, he paused. Knowing she had his attention now, she lowered her voice.

“Because I wasn’t a part of some grand scheme - I was down there until there wasn’t anything left but a twisted psyche in some black smoke. And I wanted someone to pay for that, I wanted everyone to pay. You can understand that.”

“That doesn’t justify a thing.”

“No, it doesn’t. I’m not saying that.”

Dean turned to look at her, visibly unimpressed.

“I’m saying that… Look, you got _your_ angel. Some almighty power swooped down and redeemed your soul and told you that you were still worth something. But I got that too. Mine just came along too late to find something to redeem… and yeah, he was powerful, but most of the time he was a bit of an idiot who needed my help…”

Dean couldn’t help it, there were visions flashing through his head, all of Cas. Not the almighty Castiel who’d raised him from perdition, but the Cas who’d tried finding theology in loony toons, the Cas he’d had to explain the concept of lying to, the Cas who’d tried to go on a first date still in his gas station uniform, that stupid blue waistcoat-thing that had matched his eyes…

“So you’re saying Sam saved your soul, and _then_ you went and betrayed him?”

“I’m saying Sam made me wish I could be saved.” She folded her arms, and hugged them to her. “And then I came back and found out that he actually could. That I could be… well, saved.”

She untangled her arms and let them flap to her sides. “Or at least have another chance.”

Dean took a deep breath and sighed, frowning at her, forced now to see what was realistically in front of him. A woman, probably younger than him, in an oversized dressing gown, a woman he’d almost strangled unhesitatingly.

But at the same point it was still the… _thing_ responsible for the apocalypse, for Sam’s trip down to Hell, for Jo and Ellen’s deaths for… almost everything that had gone wrong in their lives since she’d got Sam to open Lucifer’s cage. And for a lot before that.

Yes, he’d probably be no different in her situation. But what did that matter? Just because he, Dean Winchester, could understand her, that still gave her anything but a free pass…

“As I said. If we find out you're trying to string us along, or lead Abbadon or anybody else to our door, then I _will_ rip you to shreds. That’s a promise.”

Aware she was still staring after him, Dean quick-marched his way back to his room.

Slumping down on his bed, Dean wiped a hand over his eyes and breathed out heavily. It scared him a little, what he’d said to her. It made him feel back in Purgatory, or back in Hell… Because it should be worrying, how much he’d meant every damn word of his threat.

The eyes weren’t such a great place to start if you were going for a prolonged interview. If you wanted to squeeze out facts and names inch by inch, then you wanted to start smaller, break a few fingers, step up a gear and attend to the knees… But for real torture, when you didn’t have all day to spend, eyes would do just fine. They would do him just fine.

*

It hadn’t been easy for Cas to find where Bartholomew had based himself and his group. It was strange, the idea of an angel war not being fought on the Heavenly plains at all, but by wingless angels stranded on Earth – this idea that they needed a physical ‘base’ at all to conduct their war was entirely bizarre. But mostly it was sad to know that they were in this new war now because Castiel had wanted them all to be forced together, to be forced to get over their issues…

The faces of Hael, Hester, Rachel, Balthazar, Samandriel and so many others flashed before his eyes. More angels were dying everyday because of another one of his mistakes, another one of his well-intentioned big ideas.

Cas shook his head, trying to get the distracting thoughts to leave him. He’d never used to need to fight with his own brain to be able to concentrate. He’d let Doubt in, and so… well, everything else.

He had his car parked round the corner from the country home that he now was certain these angels were using. It was a grand building – from everything Cas knew of Bartholomew, it appeared to suit his tastes well. Though it surprised him that Bartholomew would claim Naomi’s authority. He had never been a very visible leader exactly… but then, neither had Naomi. Perhaps his elevation was not so strange after all.

Mainly, Cas just wanted to get a look inside. To establish with certainty that Gadreel was not working among them, and to assess the strength of this side. He had seen something of Malachi’s forces and defences, but as yet had seen nothing of Bartholomew’s, nothing of who was there with him. Perhaps there would be a sympathetic face somewhere among them… Perhaps Inias still lived…

Staring up at the building from the bushes outside, Cas wondered what Dean would say if he knew he was there.

_Don’t you dare go in there without back-up, and especially not in the goddamn middle of the day, y’hear me Cas?_

Dean had little faith in his abilities - albeit, not without good reason. It had not been long since he’d met another death, no thanks to Bartholomew…

Uneasily he rubbed the chest April had stabbed. This would be different, he promised himself, promised Dean. He knew what he was doing, what he’d come for. He would get in, find out what he was able to, and leave.

He was no longer human. He could manage this. He had as much strength as any of the angels in there.

_But there were more of them…_

Cas stood up a little straighter, trying to feel a little more like the soldier he was supposed to be, and started to move towards the house. To make himself feel better, he appeared as invisible to any human eyes, though of course, if there were any angels guarding, he was in trouble. So far, everything looked quiet. Now if he was only able to find a way in…

Would there be any chance that someone in there wouldn’t know him? At the kitchen door now, and wondering whether to try it Cas debated over the merits of simply getting himself captured, and save on this tension.

Trying the door, Cas found that it wasn’t even locked, and, taking a deep breath, walked in.

The kitchen, as he’d hoped, was deserted. Angels didn’t need food, and ones like these would surely disdain even to try it. Angel blade in hand, Cas started moving out of the kitchen, down the hall. Still, no one appeared to be around, but there were voices coming several doors down. Keeping one eye on the stairs, he walked quietly over to put his ear against the door in question, which he assumed opened to some kind of office, and heard first Bartholomew.

‘…of course, this is all reasonable providing that you do have the information you claim to. You understand I’m not necessarily going to trust someone of your… well, kind.’

‘Oh?’

Cas couldn’t place the other voice, not at first. Technically he’d never _heard_ either voice, but as an angel he was familiar with, he was able to place Bartholomew easily enough, without having to look at him. This other voice was female, and Bartholomew’s words confirmed that it didn’t belong to another angel. Cas craned his ear to listen as the new voice spoke again.

‘I assure you. If you are not interested in claiming your own part of this treasure trove, I will _happily_ keep it all for myself, and my demons. I simply thought that you… might appreciate the gesture.’

_My Demons_

That was Abbadon in there, reigning ruler of Hell, in conversation with the highest leader of the fallen angels. If he could only work out what they were trying to cut a deal over, then this entire venture would be worth the risk for him. But just as he was pressing his ear harder against the door, he felt the cold cut of metal up against his coat.

Slowly, he turned, his arms raised, putting his own angel blade in the air, to face whoever was threatening him.

The vessel, with the small smile creeping over its face, was unfamiliar. But the angel inside…

‘Castiel. Still in trouble?’

‘ _Ion?_ What are you doing here? What are you doing _alive?_ ’

Cas kept his voice to a hiss, though he knew this was irrational. Clearly he’d already been discovered. He had no particular desire to overpower and end Ion… _Again._

‘Seems impossible, doesn’t it?’

Lightly, Ion pressed into Cas’ chest with his blade, and ran the tip of it down so that it started breaking the skin, as he motioned for Cas to drop his own blade.

Reluctantly, Cas loosened his grip on it, let it fall to the ground.

‘Now,’ started Ion, pressing into Cas now, making him wince, ‘Before I hand you over to Bartholomew, it only seems fair that I get to get you back just a _little_ for how you killed me last time. Yes?’

‘Ion, please, I’m sorry,’ Cas said, still keeping his voice low, as he began to lower both his arms, letting them trail over his increasingly bloodied shirt.

As he watched his captor’s eyes harden, Cas lifted one leg and shoved him backwards, hard, and used his hands to rip open his shirt, to reveal the bloodied banishing sigil underneath.

He’d known this was a sensible precaution to take before walking in here alone, although he had hoped to use it to scatter far more of Bartholomew’s soldiers.

As he dove to grab his blade he watched as Ion rushed towards him, shock apparent on his face, but it was already too late, the light had appeared for them.

_This meant Cas wasn’t getting back to his car anytime soon then…_

*

“Hey.”

Sam looked up as Dean re-entered the main room to the bunker. He was looking worn-out, and still in no mood to talk over anything reasonably. But then, Sam reminded himself bitterly as Dean slumped down in a seat opposite him, he had just brought back the person Dean probably hated most in all the world. And brought them back into his _home._

“Hey.”

It struck Sam once again as Dean looked at him, waiting for him to say something, that he’d just broken up what remained of their reforged trust.

“So. Found any Homes for homeless, resurrected ex-demons?”

Sam took a breath.

“Because I am not letting you keep this stray you picked up.”

Sam bit down on his lip. _I am not letting you._ Letting him?

“Well, we can’t exactly let her go either until we’re sure of her.”

“Frankly, I’m never going to be sure of anything with her. And as you say, we can’t just let her go.” Dean looked pointedly at him, and took out Ruby’s knife to start fiddling with.

“We can’t just kill her Dean. I mean,” he continued hurriedly at the look on Dean’s face, “We will, if we have to. But we need to work out if she’s told us everything so far about what she remembers from getting out of… wherever she came from. I mean, she says she came back when the angels fell. What if Metatron flipped some kind of switch and now _every_ demon we ever killed is back?”

Sam saw his words had started to get to Dean at last.

“We don’t know that Sammy.”

“Well exactly! We don’t _know._ ” He choked out a laugh. “I mean, I for one would like to know if we’ve got Yellow-Eyes or Lilith or Alistair topside again.”

Dean slumped his forehead down into his waiting palm.

“And what if it’s not just demons? We never found out where angels go when we gank them either. Hell, we could have Uriel or Zachariah back on our-”

“Please just stop talking,” Dean intoned, not looking up.

 Sam waited a moment.

“Fine. We’ll talk to her again.”

“OK.”

“But that still doesn’t change anything, you know that, right? We let her go, she’ll sell us out for any price, she’s proven that before.”

Sam frowned slightly, getting a brief flashing image of Ruby, just before she’d died. _“…the most loyal…”_

“I’m not sure. I mean, she betrayed us, sure. But that was always her gameplan. It’s not like she sold them out, and it’s not like she sold _us_ out, she just stuck to her plan. She was… well, _loyal_ in her own way, I guess.”

“ _Loyal?_ How do you know that, really, though? Like you say, she was playing us the whole time. We never got to see what the ‘real Ruby’ looks like - we have no idea what’s she’s capable of.”

“Yeah, sure, before. But now… Dean, you’ve never watched me trying to cure them. But they _break,_ they start talking, start saying more than they mean to… Hell, even Crowley started trying to apologise to me.”

“And you’re willing to forgive, just like that? Really?”

Sam opened his hands wide and gave a kind of half-shrug. “Not really? But, c’mon Dean, everyone we know has screwed up somewhere, at somepoint. Hell, Cas tried bringing on the apocalypse too back then, and then he went on to try call himself God, but it’s not like we bring that up every time.”

“Cas has done everything to prove-”

“Yeah, he has, Dean, because we gave him a chance to.”

Dean sighed, and started to shake his head, a small I-know-better smile on his face. “So second chances are all well and good for Ruby, Ruby, Sam, but I try to save your life – I know it was screwed up, but I was only just trying to do what you’d do for me – and suddenly we can’t be brothers anymore?”

“That wasn’t what I said.”

“Oh?”

Sam looked away. He hadn’t been able to get his words out then, what made him think he could now? “I meant that if being my, my brother was what made you do it, then we need to change the way we… _are_ brothers.”

Dean raised his eyebrows sarcastically, but Sam could see the confusion he was trying to hide.

“You knew I’d rather have died rather than get taken for a joyride by another angel, but you… you just s-steamrollered r-right on ahead. _You_ wanted me alive, so _you_ were going to keep me that way.”

“Like you wouldn’t have done the same.”

“No Dean, I wouldn’t have.”

Dean looked as though Sam had just stabbed him right through the chest with the ragged blade still balanced in his hands.

“It’s not that I wouldn’t do everything, _everything_ , to keep ah-anything from happening to you. I'd happily kill for you, or d-die for you. But when it was your time to go… when the only way of keeping you alive was by t-taking away all of your _agency_ , taking away your _control_ of your own  _mind_ and _body_ … I could never do that to you Dean. To _anyone._ ”

The knife’s tip went back into the table. Dean watched it spin between his fingers as though it was the only thing in the whole room which was at all interesting for him. When he eventually spoke again his voice seemed to have dropped another octave. “Well. S’pose it’s not the same for you. It was never your job to look after me.”

“Dean, I’m always going to be around to look after you. But not because it’s a _job._ And looking after me was never yours.”

Sam stood up. “I’m going to go find Ruby a room to bunk in. She shouldn’t be going anywhere today anyway.” He checked his watch, trying to keep his voice steady, and to keep his eyes from looking at Dean. “…And then I think I’ll try pulling a couple hours. Looks like you could use the same.”

“Me? Oh, I’m fine. Don’t you go worrying over my wellbeing. ‘Sides. Someone needs to keep awake in case a certain someone tries anything.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence Dean.”

Sam suppressed a groan as he heard Ruby re-enter the room in one of the old plaid shirts he’d told her to put on over her running shorts. She wasn’t helping him make this easier, thus far.

Dean raised his head slowly and turned to look at her. “Well don’t you look ridiculous,” he deadpanned.

She shrugged and walked over to pull up the chair next to Dean. “Thanks. Trying to start spread Winchester fashion.”

Dean grunted at her, and turned back to his knife.

*

In the end Dean _did_ sleep. He didn’t sleep easily these days, and it was good to snatch it while he was tired. But it was hardly a peaceful nap.

He had endure the dreams _of that church again, except this time it was the Church Sam had tried to cure Crowley in that Lilith lay dead in, her blood opening up something old and terrible… and the Ruby was different, she was the new Ruby, dark skin and dreadlocked hair and wearing Sam’s stupid big shirt… and this time Sam didn’t turn from her aghast, didn’t hold her as Dean brought his knife down… no, this time Sam held Dean down, and Ruby was the one holding the knife, big smug smile taking over her whole face… And he screamed out for someone to help him, for Cas to come and help him, but a wash of faces telling him over and over that ‘He’s dead, Dean,’ ‘He’s gone’ came instead, until they too were eventually replaced with Cas’ face at last, and he was repeating after Dean that April had been ‘So hot’… And then he started telling Dean off for killing her, why had Dean killed her? And Sam was there too, telling him he should forgive, and that even if she had killed Cas, she still deserved a second chance… And there was his father, with eyes that glowed yellow…_

No. Dean didn’t get much of a good sleep.

He was going to need to start drinking more again if he wanted to get anything like a peaceful rest.

*

Sam had literally just taken off his shirt to get into his bed when there was a knock on the door, which was almost immediately followed by the door starting to open. Dean would have done neither, Dean would have shouted, so he knew before the door showed who was behind it that this had to be Ruby.

“Hey,” he said, not turning round at first. He was very aware that he was not wearing much, only his running shorts. Ruby however was clad just as scantily – she’d shod her own running shorts and was now only wearing his green plaid shirt, which fitted her like a dress. Her legs… Well, he couldn’t not see them. They weren’t long or short, they were exactly the perfect proportion for her.

Which was fine.

She folded her arms and smiled up at him as she leant against the wall. “Hi. I just… wanted to come in and say thanks. Again. I know Dean…”

“Wants you dead.”

“Yeah. So, uh, thanks. You coulda held me down for him again, but you’re not.”

“I told Dean I thought you might be able to help us out in trying to find out how you’re back here.”

“I hope so. Hell, I want to know, I just don’t know anything really.”

“…and I told him that I thought we could trust you enough to be loyal, if you cared from the start.”

Ruby breathed in, nodded up at him. “I pick my battles Sam, and I’ve always picked them because of what I care about, about what benefits me. I’m a human, and for now you guys are keeping me alive – that’s all in my benefit. And, like you say,” she said, starting to move towards him, dragging her eyes slowly up over his torso, “I’m loyal whenever I care. And as I told you already,” she continued, looping her arms over his neck, “I’ve found something to care about here.”

Sam wasn’t entirely sure why he didn’t resist at first as she gently tugged his head down so that his lips could meet hers, and then got one hand up through his hair as her tongue found his. It was only as she drew breath that he remembered himself, and pulled away, wiping the back of a hand over his mouth.

“No. Not again, Ruby.”

“What’s stopping you this time? I’m human now, you said it yourself.”

“Ruby-”

“Is it because of the new skin tone? Because if this is a racist thing then _shame_ on you Sam.”

“Ruby. I don’t even know if I can trust you yet.”

“I’m not asking for trust.”

Before he could think of something to say other than an angry snarl, his phone started going off. Ruby continued to stare at him, chin raised up high as he answered the call.

“Cas?”

“I’m – I’m outside Sam. Dean isn’t answering his phone…”

“You’re outside the bunker? Cas are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m outside.”

Sam hung up the phone and started hollering for his brother as he jogged out of his bedroom. Behind him, Ruby was asking, “Wait, Cas? As in the-”

“Angel, yes.”

Dean met them in the hall, giving them both a glance that was meant to say ‘well that didn’t take long’. But his eyes shut up as soon as Sam mentioned Cas’ name.

“Cas called, he’s outside.”

When they finally opened up the door, they found Cas wearing a bloody shirt and looking as though he was about to collapse. “Cas!” Dean shouted as he lunged to prop up the angel’s other side. Together, with difficulty, they got him down the steps.

“I’m not bad, I’m alright,” he tried mumbling at them as they got him into a seat down where Ruby was waiting.

“Cas, what happened to you?”

“I, I’m sorry, I…” Cas paused, and looked puzzled. “Why did you bring another demon in here?”

“A demon?” Sam asked, as Dean snorted, looking relived that Cas was speaking so coherently again.

“You can blame that bitch on Sammy here. And you are never going to believe who it is.”

Cas’ eyes focused on Dean’s face. “I’m not talking about the woman, Dean. I’m sensing _you._ ”

*


	5. The Unspoken and the Unforgiven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tries nursing Cas' wounds, Ruby falls asleep for the first time in her new life, and Sam gives Cas some insight into the Winchester psyche.
> 
> *
> 
> “You stupid, stupid sonofabith.”
> 
> “Cas-”
> 
> “Do you have any idea what this is? What you’ve done to yourself?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who's read this far :)
> 
> Second-last pornless chapter. Promise.

“You’re sensing _me_?” Dean frowned, concerned now. Cas really wasn’t feeling alright… But as Cas leant forward and savagely started pulling up Dean’s sleeve his heart stopped and plummeted down into his stomach.

As Cas revealed the bloody red mark to the room, Ruby gasped – Dean swore he could almost hear her pupils dilate.

For a good while Cas stayed silent, just gripping Dean’s arm, with his fingernails digging in tightly. “You stupid, stupid sonofabith.” As though the touch of Dean’s skin was burning him, Cas thrust Dean’s arm away violently.

“Cas-”

“Do you have _any_ idea what this is? What you’ve done to yourself?”

“No.” Dean desperately tried to keep the pain out of his eyes. “I heard ‘end Abbadon’, I didn’t stick around for the terms and conditions.”

“Cas, what does it mean? What’s happening to him?”

Cas sighed, meeting Sam’s eyes unhappily. “I’m not sure exactly. But if it’s enough to make me feel as though there was a demon standing in front of me, then nothing good. It… it’s changing you Dean, and not in a positive way.”

“So what, I’m turning into a big bad here?”

“I don’t _know,_ Dean.”

“I don’t have the blade yet, I can’t do anything with it yet.”

“The blade. So you did take this on from the first killer, the first knight.”

“Um, yeah.” Dean started rubbing his forehead, feeling oddly self-conscious at the sudden attention. “Me and Crowley tracked him down-”

“ _Crowley._ ” Cas looked at Dean incredulously before slumping his head back into his hands. “This continues getting worse.”

With difficulty, Dean kept his voice steady. It was just so damn hard though whenever he lost Cas, Cas who always supported him. “Look, I was just trying to do my best to get something useful done around here, alright?”

“Aren’t we always,” Cas muttered, sighing, before dabbing a hand at his chest.

Sam looked between Cas slumped in his chair, and Dean staring down at him. “Look Cas, you’re not alright. We could get you to a bed, find you some first aid maybe…”

Cas nodded. “A place to lie down might be sensible.”

“I’ll take him,” Dean said as Sam moved forwards to help lift Cas out of his chair.

Putting an arm around Cas’ waist, he started them off down the steps, and tried not to think of just how laboured the angel’s breathing sounded. And how those breaths felt as they tickled at his neck.

Dean hadn’t exactly planned to lay Cas down in his own bed, but that was where they ended up.

“So what happened to you then? Malachi’s people get to you again”

Cas sank into the bed and closed his eyes. “It was Bartholomew’s. I was spying on them.”

Dean sat down at Cas’ feet and looked at the blood stained shirt with concern.

“Did you get anything good?”

“I believe I heard him conspiring with Abbadon.”

“Whoa, seriously? Whole fucking world’s upside down.” Dean got up to pick up the bath towel he had on the radiator and carefully started undoing the buttons on Cas’ shirt. He tried doing it quickly, so that he wouldn’t have to think about the fact that he was undressing him, he _was not thinking about it._

“And then someone caught me, and I had to use a banishing sigil to get out. I was lucky – I only ended up half a state away.”

Dean raised his eyebrows as he started dabbing at Cas’ wounds, most of which, thank God, had been self-inflicted. “ _Half a state_ away?” Dean shook his head, trying not to think about how hurt Cas could have been… He was here now, there wasn’t any point in berating him for recklessness.

“Did you see anything else there we should know about then?”

Cas opened his eyes, and watched Dean’s hand wipe at his wounds. “Yes. I saw something, someone that didn’t make sense in being there.”

“Less sense than Abbadon?”

“Much.” Cas shook his head slightly. “Dean, I thought I saw an angel that I know is dead, because I killed him months ago.”

Dean let out a long breath. “Maybe Sam’s right then,” he muttered to himself, just as he realised that his hand had been resting for a lot longer than was surely necessary over the wounds on Cas’ chest. For a moment Cas’ eyes met his and they simply stayed still, looking at each other, before Dean moved his hand and looked away, and Cas cleared his throat slightly.

Dean was just praying Cas never got that fucking voicemail. Because that could be… awkward. He’d tease Cas all the time about being a junkless idiot, but Cas wasn’t stupid.

“What was Sam right about, then?”

Dean pulled himself up a little straighter. “There seems to be a lot of this back from the very-dead going on. That girl through there with Sam? That would be everyone’s old BFF Ruby, the lovely lady responsible for the apocalypse not so long ago.”

Cas’ head flopped back onto the pillow. “More demons.”

“Well no, actually. Sam used his new magic curing skills so now, apparently, she’s human. But fact’s still there that she’s back in a new body when I know I killed her. The one thing I managed to do that day – I couldn’t stop Sam, but by God I could end the bitch that brought us there.” He smiled bitterly. “And now look who’s back, and already cosying her way up to Sam.”

Cas frowned. “I can’t imagine Sam would have made the decision to change her without thinking everything through.”

Dean barked a laugh. “You kidding me? Doesn’t matter what body she’s in, Sam’s an idiot who’ll fall for whatever bullshit she feeds him.”

“But she’s human now. That changes everything.”

“Right. Like that changes anything enough.”

Cas was quiet for a moment, and looked away.

“Cas, listen,” Dean started, eventually, trying not to notice that Cas’ shirt was still fully open, “I know you want to go off and stop all the angels fighting and get Metatron back and all, but, just so you know, I – _we_ like having you around, and we’d want you to stay here with us if that’s what you want. I mean none of us can keep diving into crazy danger on our own, right? Not when the others are around to have our backs. I mean, hey, what’s family for, right?”

Cas turned back to look at him, that familiarly adorable look of confusion on his face. “Why did you call me, Dean?”

Dean froze.

“What?”

“Last night. Why did you call me?”

“Oh, uh, you got that.” Dean tried to laugh, but Cas was still looking at him as though whatever he was about to say was the most important explanation Cas had ever sought after, in all his long existence.

“Well, eh, yeah, Sam was out, and I was y’know, drinking. Quite a lot, actually, I’d been sorta mostly off the stuff for a while before so yeah – Uh, yeah. I was drunk, I was bored. For God’s sake don’t – don’t listen to it, alright? I mean anything you say under the influence, it’s just nonsense, right?”

Cas’ blue eyes stared into his for a long while, ignoring the attempt at a smile on Dean’s lips, as though trying to hear what he was thinking. As so often with Cas, Dean felt as though his brain was being scrubbed clean by that look.

Eventually Cas blinked, and copied Dean’s false little smile. “Right.”

*

Sam shook his head as he sat down across from Ruby at the table. “I can’t believe Dean. Can’t stand the idea of me putting myself in danger to help people, but one shot at killing something and he’s right there in the firing line, without even stopping to listen to what the consequences might be.”

Ruby laid out a hand carefully over Sam’s. It looked so dark and small and undamaged next to his, it almost hurt to look.

“He cares, Sam. He’s always cared more about you – Hell, about everyone – than himself.”

“I guess,” Sam said, not looking over at her. He didn’t want to look at her face, to have to wonder whether this was real concern, or just another empty gesture from the queen of manipulation herself.

“Ruby, _what_ is it he’s done this time? What does the mark _mean_?”

She took her hand away and started wringing both hands together as she sighed. “I’m not exactly sure, but its power draws from something entirely old, evil and kinda awesome.”

“Ruby…”

“I know. Sounds a bit demon-creepy, I’m sorry. But seriously… Your brother? Every goddamn thing that sees him and knows anything about that mark is going to freak out, and either try and worship him, or try even harder to kill him. He’s the _heir_ to the Father of Murder, apparently, he’s even more badass than a knight of hell. The mark… it’s about power, but it’s almost more a mark of respect to someone who is _the_ ultimate killing machine, power or no power.”

She shook her head, grinning. “You Winchesters never stop upping the stakes, do you?”

“But what’ll it do to him?”

“It’ll have already started changing him, blade or no blade. But how? I have no idea. I mean Cain… they say he technically went demon after taking on the mark. But Dean, he still seems same old Winchester brand of murderous, right? So maybe the change works slow, or maybe it doesn’t work like that at all… I just don’t know, Sam.”

“Great. Just great. Just what we needed. Why the _Hell_ would he…” Sam breathed out heavily and slumped back in his chair.

Ruby looked at him, the grin faded to just a small smile now. “Sam… Dean’s never thought like you though, has he?”

Sam bristled. “What do you mean?”

“He never really thought he could ever get out of the life, did he?”

“Oh believe me he wanted to at one point. There was this woman-”

“No, not didn’t want to, but… didn’t see how, y’know? Just couldn’t settle, hadn’t ever tried it before. I mean, I guess that’s it. S’why I don’t want to leave you… I wouldn’t know what to do. I don’t have to be evil any more, but I don’t really know how else to be yet. And most humans… they just settle don’t they? Just try finding people to love, and make enough money to get them through a day… no particular cause to do it, they just keep on going anyway. I dunno, I thought I’d like the sound of that. But,” Sam watched with interest as her face became more and more stricken, “now, the idea terrifies me. I can’t remember how to do it, how to just live for me. I was always just serving someone… That’s why you have to know I’m never going to betray you, not again. I couldn’t do it. You’re my new thing to serve, Sam.” She smiled again and pretended to punch him on the arm.

Sam caught her lightly curled fist and held it for a moment. “I don’t want anyone to serve me, to live for me. Not Dean, and not you Ruby. There wasn’t any point in saving you if you weren’t going to make up a life for yourself. No point.”

Her face fell, all the mask usually hanging there disintegrating.

“I don’t mean I’m going to force you behind a white picket fence. I mean… I mean you can’t just living for other people. Everything you do you have to do it because you, yourself, wants to do it. Because even if you are loyal… I’m never going to trust you until then, Ruby.”

She nodded slowly, biting down on her lip.

“That ok terms?”

Her mouth quirked up a little as she gripped down on his hand. “They’re alright.”

*

Dean had insisted on getting his laptop out so that Cas could watch a movie with him. Incredible as he found the television normally, Cas wasn’t exactly in the mood, but he could see from Dean’s face how _hard_ he was trying and Cas just didn’t have the heart to say no to him.

“So. I haven’t watch the new _Star Trek_ movies yet, and its TOS based, so that’s not a terrible place to start for a newbie... _Or._ You liked those cartoons? Dude, I have so many cartoons downloaded on this thing… Wait until you try _Adventure Time_ , it like took it all to a whole new level – and first episode there’s like zombie cupcakes everywhere. It’s frickin’ adorable…”

Cas smiled his vague agreement and sat up a bit as Dean sat down on the bed beside him and put the laptop across both of their knees. He tried not to think of Dean’s leg next to his. Dean was doing his utmost to prove from their conversation on the phone call that nothing like that would ever be possible between them, even though Dean’s heart was still beating as though he’d just finished being chased by something.

But… Well, if Dean wanted something, he would go for it. He was a man who took risks every day.

If he’d wanted Cas, for anything else than as a friend, then he’d have said by now.

But friendship. That was also something Cas wanted. Or, at least, something he didn’t want to lose.

As they settled into the multi-coloured imagining of outer space Cas found that he was able to smile a lot and almost forget their situation, and the pain in his chest. However he wasn’t quite sure he always understood the reasoning  behind lines he knew had to be jokes, because Dean would laugh, and point, inviting him to understand the occasionally obtuse humour.

When they were at the end of their fifth episode, Dean allowed them to pause. “So what do you think? Who’s your favourite?”

Cas thought for a moment. “I like Jake.”

“Really? Your favourite character is the main dude? C’mon when is that ever a thing…”

“I think he seems like a good person, a brave soul,” Cas parried defensively. “And he cares a lot, but it seems good that children have as their hero someone who makes a lot of mistakes.”

A real smile started tugging at Dean’s lips. “Uh-huh?”

“Yes,” Cas said, sitting back in the bed, as he warmed to his theme. “It’s inspiring that ‘Jake the Human’ is very _human,_ and makes real mistakes.” He smiled cautiously. “It’s endearing. It’s why… well, you’ve made this, well, what is in all likelihoods a _big_ mistake, out of good intentions, taking on this Mark, but it does not mean that those who care about you will ever care any less.”

Dean shifted himself away from Cas and frowned slightly. “You think this is my big mistake, huh?”

“Well, yes. Potentially, it could proportionally be as serious as any well-intended mistake that Sam or I have ever made…”

“I’m sorry, I don’t see me running around and calling myself _God_ here, do you? The only person I’m in danger of harming here is me.”

“Well, that is exactly what Sam assumed when he went to face Lilith. It all mattered though. _You_ matter, Dean.”  

Dean’s mouth flattened into one long hard line, and Cas knew that, on some level, he’d lost him again.

“Funny, I don’t see that.”

Dean closed the lid to his laptop and got up off the bed. “I’m gonna go to some work, alright. You… you get some rest Cas.” And he left the room without looking back.

Cas wanted to say something, anything, that would pull Dean back to him. Feeling marginally stronger all of a sudden, Cas got up off of the bad and tried to follow, but stopped himself. He still hadn’t the first idea of what he might say to Dean should he catch up to him.

Aimlessly, he started walking in the other direction, and at last stopped at the first room with its doors open. It was a lounge area, with a couple of faded couches, one of which was full.

There was Sam, a book in his hand, and, making small snoring noises with her head lightly placed on his lap, was the woman, was Ruby. Sam grinned and put a finger to his lips as Cas walked in.

“I don’t think she’s slept yet. And… and demons don’t sleep. Cas, I think this is her first time asleep in like – who knows – a hundred years?”

Cas smiled at them both. She seemed to fit very neatly into Sam’s large shape, like a piece of a puzzle.

“It’s good to be grateful for the small things,” he said, watching Sam stop himself from resting his hand on her head.

“So. How’re you feeling?”

“Better thank you.”

“What happened to you, Cas?”

Briefly, Cas repeated the explanation he had given Dean. When he had finished, Sam breathed out slowly. “So the angels falling did set something off. Have you… have you heard of anything like this before?”

“Nothing,” said Cas, sitting himself down on the other couch. “I suppose… when I screw up I have to do it in new ways never seen before.”

Apparently Sam caught the bitterness in his tone – his eyes narrowed. “What’s up Cas?”

Cas sighed. “I feel… as though I will never really understand humanity.”

Sam smiled. “Humanity, or Dean?”

Cas leant back on the seat. “I don’t know. Sometimes I feel that he hates me to be there with him, that he despises the sight of me. And others…”

“Others?”

“…he called me, the other night. When he was… intoxicated.”

“Dean _drunk dialled_ you?”

“I… I suppose?”

Sam shook his head slightly. “He really does like you,” he said incredulously.

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand the logic…”

“Cas, let me tell you something about my brother. He cares a whole lot about a whole lotta people. But the way he looks at you… I haven’t got to see that. Not very often. But well… when you guys left Lisa and Ben in that hospital, he told me he’d never let me mention them again. And when they have come up… he puts on the same face as he does for talking about you.”

“Sam-”

“Dean is the King of repressing his feelings, alright? That’s how he deals with people he cares about that much, in that way. He lies to the world and he lies to himself until he doesn’t have to think about it any more.”

_When humans want something really, really badly…_

Cas nodded slowly. “But I, I don’t know if he even...”

“Likes men?” Sam snorted. “I wouldn’t have said so, not before I saw him with you. Now everything he does I see in whole new lights. Honestly, the more I learn about Dean, the less I feel I know him.” Sam swallowed. “And he kept himself so hidden away that now he doesn’t think anyone cares about him, ‘cause he doesn’t think anyone really knows him all that well.”

“I care.”

“I know, Cas, I get that.” Sam gave him an encouraging smile. “But honestly, if you want to change anything about Dean… Dean’s an action man. When he’s in a situation, he adapts. If he can choose never to enter a new one, then that’s what he’ll do. So you want something from him, Cas? You’re going to give him some kind of push.”

Cas leant forward in his seat. “But how… how would I go about that?”

Sam shrugged. “Show him you care, I guess.”

*


	6. Besieged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abbadon arrives with full entourage on their doorstep, and Dean knows who he's holding to blame.
> 
> *
> 
> “…I have, after all, been looking for this little place for a long, long, long time. You can’t imagine the trouble I’ve gone through. But now I’m risking it all on you boys being sensible..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been so long updating this, I've just been really busy at the moment, and I've started work on a longer Destiel AU I'm trying to juggle with this. Also. This is the last pre-sexytimes chapter. Enjoy! And I'd love to know what anyone thinks of it so far!
> 
> This has slight warnings for violence.

“Ok,” Dean started, looking round at the table. Cas was looking a little better, no longer so pale, and there was Sam, yawning his big idiot yawn.

So this was the sum of Dean’s family, together again: all broken up and starting to act as though Dean was the new villain in their lives.

Ruby, of course was not present. Dean wouldn’t have wanted her there anyway, but he didn’t like it that Sam had let her go off for a walk that morning, alone. Because, dammit, if they were going to let an old demon they didn’t trust just hang around, they had to keep her in sights – not wandering around on her own. She could be talking to anyone out there, letting the whole world know about the Winchesters’ sanctuary bunker-home.

Just… Perfect.

“So. Where do we think we need to head from here?” Sam gestured with his hands. “Feuding Angels stuck on Earth, Hell’s still open and we have a demon back from the dead.”

“And an angel,” put in Cas. “That’s what stabbed me yesterday.”

“O-kay…” Sam said, nodding. “Cas, did you ever know _anything_ about where angels went when they died?”

Cas shrugged slightly. “It’s not something we ever really spoke of. Angel deaths… until recent years, were exceedingly rare. It never seemed odd that Lucifer was never killed, but entrapped. An angel dying was not something we normally needed to think on, certainly not as an inevitable concept, as humans do. And we have never possessed human souls. The idea of endurance was entirely different.”

“And demons?” Dean asked, speaking hoarsely. Cas turned to look at him, and for the millionth time, Dean was frozen still at the intensity he saw in those blue eyes. “Demons were abominations of tortured souls. There generally wasn’t a lot of soul left to save in one of them, other than what they may develop over time.” Cas nodded to himself. “Perhaps angels and demons aren’t so very different after all. Both have the potential to grow in character over time… hmm…”

“But I don’t quite understand that,” Sam said, leaning forward on the desk towards Cas, and Dean recognised his face as percussing a high-brow, intellectual discussion. “When you fell, Cas, you became human. Metatron _took_ your grace to do that to you – he stripped something away, he didn’t _add_ any element that would make up a soul, did he?”

Dean groaned as Cas tilted his face quizzically over Sam’s question. “Look, whatever the physics of the thing, apparently dead angels and demons end up in the same spot, which, according to Little Miss Trustworthy outside somewhere, feels like nothingness, and apparently ended for her when the angels all fell. So basically Metatron’s fiddling with all the almighty switches up there, and we can’t do shit about it.”

“…But it would be good to understand what we’re dealing with, with the scale of this problem. How deep does this go? Who can we expect to see return from the dead?”

“Or what,” Cas agreed darkly.

“So we need to keep brainstorming with Ruby, find out where she surfaced, maybe.”

“Again, Sam?” Dean raised his eyebrows. “Really? She’s got nothing to tell us. All she keeps saying is that she doesn’t know a thing. Nada. So why keep her around still?”

“We don’t need to kill her, Dean.”

“That’s not what I just said. I mean that she’s been around here for a day now, and I for one am not enjoying the company, and I’m getting nothing useful out of her – nothing at all apart from stress that she’s about to go out and betray us. Again.”

Cas looked over at Sam again. “You say the Men-of-Letters’ cure, you successfully used it to turn her human?”

Sam nodded.

Cas looked between Sam and Dean, seeming confused. “And I’ve seen her – she is human, Dean. Why kill her?”

“Dammit Cas, that’s not what I said,” Dean groaned, rubbing at his temple. “It’s just that she’s seen how to get to this bunker now, and she’s seen what’s inside. She decides – or, ok, is forced – to say something about that, and we’re fucked. No more bunker.”

Cas looked still more confused. “But Crowley has also seen how to get out of here, Dean. Surely you don’t trust him?”

Sam barked a bitter laugh. “You let _Crowley_ walk his way out of here, with no blindfold? And you’ve been giving me all this shit for bringing a human in, and one that might actually be useful.”

“Crowley was being useful,” Dean growled. “He was finding us you.”

“And remind me _, why_ did he have to come find me in the first place?” He stared over at Dean, almost smiling. “Mm?”

Before Dean could find something to say, Cas started murmuring into his coffee. “It would be an interesting experiment, of sorts.” Noticing that they were both looking at him, he sat up again. “To see if a demon really could complete a transformation from demon, back to human, and retain their sanity, regain what they’d lost and be able to use it again. More than anything, that may tell us something about the nature of demon, and angel ‘souls’.”

“Sorry Cas, but you are going to be a little biased on this issue. Meg? Hell, you guys were like bosom friends by the end there, right?”

Sam narrowed his eyes at Dean. “You’re jealous.”

Dean choked, and turned on Sam the look he’d once used on monsters before ending them in purgatory. “I’m sorry, what?”

He didn’t even want to turn to look at Cas.

Then the door banged open and Dean breathed out slowly. He had never been so happy to see Ruby.

She stood panting at the top of the stairs a moment, hands on the railing. “Abbadon. And a fuck load of demons.” She took another breath and looked down at them all. “They’re outside and not far away.”

Had Dean been pleased to see Ruby? Scratch that.

Sam leapt out of his chair and ran up the stairs, three at a time to the door, and outside, presumably to try and confirm what Ruby had just told them. Slowly, Cas and Dean started getting to their feet.

“How close, Ruby?” Cas rumbled, as she started walking down the stairs.

She shook her head. “Five minutes away, maybe.”

Dean nodded slowly to himself. First time Ruby had shown up, he’d ended up in Hell. The second, she’d destroyed his relationship with Sam and brought Hell to Earth. This time? She’d just brought Abbadon down upon the only home Dean had ever had.

He should have killed her again the moment he’d known who she was

Sam burst back in through the door. “I don’t know what she thinks we’ve got down here – there has to be over fifty demons out there. And the way they’re all walking, and looking… I think there’s hellhounds out there too.”

Dean’s blood froze a little. Well that was _it._

*

Sam watched from the top of the stairs as Dean walked slowly over to Ruby, noticing something hard and inevitable about the way he moved. And his eyes… Sam had never had such a view on Dean making a face like that.

“Now, Dean,” he warned, as he started walking downstairs. It was strange: he had no reason to believe that Ruby _hadn’t_ just led Abbadon her, but all Sam’s instincts were screaming at him to _protect._ There was Ruby, looking so small backed up against the stairs, and Dean… Sam wanted to protect him too. If Dean tried to do something now, Sam was afraid he would never get him back.

“We don’t know anything, yet, and we need to figure out a way to-”

Dean didn’t take his eyes off Ruby. “To what, Sam? Save ourselves? Work out how she got here? How do you suggest we do that?”

Sam took another step down. He was low enough now to see Dean’s eyes, a little more from Ruby’s perspective. They almost seemed to glitter, like uncut jewels.

“Dean…”

“Sam’s right,” Cas said, coming up behind Dean, and laying a steadying hand on his shoulder. “We need to think about this, how to deal with Abbadon, about how we’re going to stay alive.”

“Oh yeah, got any ideas? This place doesn’t exactly have a back door.”

Sam walked down the last few steps to stand behind Ruby, who he noticed was shaking slightly. “Well what about the Mark, Dean? Wasn’t the whole point of doing that to yourself giving us a shot at Abbadon?”

“It didn’t arrive with an instruction manual, alright? And it’s supposed to work along with the blade, which isn’t here yet. And Crowley hasn’t got in contact…”

Dean turned away from Ruby at last and aimed a kick at the wall, then ran his hands up through his hair. Over Ruby’s head, Sam caught Cas’ eye, and understood in a glance that Cas also had no ideas, and that Dean was starting to scare him too.

“How many do you think you could take out, Cas?” Sam asked quietly.

“You said there were over fifty outside?”

Sam nodded, and Cas sighed. “It’s hard to say. Abbadon will have an angel blade with her, I imagine, by now. And I’m grounded, unable to move as quickly…” He trailed off, and turned his face away. “I’m not sure, Sam, I’m sorry. Not enough, I imagine. Not when they have Hellhounds as well…”

“We need backup,” Dean muttered, leaning against the wall.

Sam frowned. “Well we can’t just call Garth. It’d be walking into a deathtrap for him on his own.” He grinned, shakily. “And I think… pretty much everyone else is dead now.”

“Or doesn’t like us.”

“We’ve established a pretty bad reputation with hunters.”

“They keep killing us.”

“We keep screwing things up. Or killing them. Remember Gordon?”

Dean’s mouth twitched into a small smile as he slid down the wall a little. “I think we had reasonable cause there.”

“So who else do we call?”

Dean shrugged, almost giving way to hopeless laughter. “The police?”

Sam raised an eyebrow.

“The army then.”

“We’re eh, we’re not actually the feds, Dean.”

Dean snorted and closed his eyes. “So there’s no way we’re getting out of this then?”

Sam’s arms flapped back to his eyes. “We don’t need to give up yet. We can start looking through these books – there has to be something here… Or maybe if we lead most of them into a Devil’s trap…”

“So basically, we’re fucked.”

Dean’s eyes were open again now, and he stood up, walking over slowly to Ruby again, and Sam who hadn’t moved from behind her.

“So Ruby,” Dean intoned. “I think I told you that when you turned out to be a lying demon bitch for the second time, then I would start off with your eyes. So d’you want me to start with the left, or the right?”

Sam couldn’t see Ruby’s face, he imagined she wasn’t letting anything show, but he could see from the way her whole body was trembling now that she was terrified. When he’d known her best, she’d prized her near invulnerability, and here was the hard reality of humanity again.

And Dean was almost smiling.

“Dean, stop it,” Sam snapped. “Ruby,” he started lowering his voice, “are you working with Abbadon? Did you lead her here?”

“ _No._ ” Her voice was shaking now, but it was firm, and she was keeping both eyes on Dean. “Why would I? I’m human now, she’s a demon.”

Sam breathed out slowly. He wanted to believe her, but he was going to need more proof than a statement before that. “Alright.”

“Nope. Not alright, not for me.” Pulling Ruby off the last stair, strong hands gripped around both her arms, Dean pulled her away and pushed her up against the wall.

“Put her down, Dean.”

Sam looked across to Cas for support, but Cas was motionless and saying nothing, although his eyes seemed worried.

“Why would she lead them here, when she’s human? Because she’s a worthless piece of filth who’s always needed someone else to tell her what to do.” Sam watched as Dean dug his fingernails into her arms. “She’s never had a thought of her own.” Pressing himself closer to Ruby, Dean trapped one of her hands and started to put his free hand around her throat.

“That’s _enough_ , Dean!”

“Yeah, you might be human, but you’ve been demon too long, and demons like you like having someone to tell them what to do. You’re just craving the chance to be someone else’s blunt little instrument…”

Dean seemed to trail off of his own accord, as though finally realising what he was doing, as Sam managed to pull him away from Ruby, and push him down.

“What the Hell, Dean?” Sam shouted, as Ruby stood gasping and clutching at her throat.

And Cas still stood back, watching them all.

Until the voice rang out from behind the door above them, unmistakeably Abbadon’s. “Hello, boys, girl. Won’t you come out and see me?”

As nobody inside made a sound, she laughed. “Thanks ever so much for being _such_ a dear – Ruby, isn’t it?”

All heads swivelled round to Ruby, who looked up for the first time since Abbadon had started speaking and started gesturing wildly. “This isn’t me!” she whispered. Dean simply rolled his eyes.

“…I have, after all, been looking for this little place for a long, long, long time. You can’t imagine the trouble I’ve gone through. But now I’m risking it all on you boys being sensible. You come out here tomorrow morning, with the key, which I will check. Or. I could blow you all up. Whichever works out best for you.”

The bunker continued to provide her with only silence as a response.

“I’ll come back to see you in the morning then – sound alright, boys?”

They heard her walking away, and suddenly the consensus of silence broke.

“One thing,” Sam started, before Dean could get up and turn on Ruby again. “Why would Ruby not have told her about Cas? She didn’t seem to address him, not specifically.”

“ _Boys_ could have been referring to...”

“C’mon Dean, she would have referred to him being an angel.”

“So that’s the basis to your defence case? Abbadon’s shitty use of _grammar?_ ”

*

Cas still didn’t like seeing Dean this angry, this much like a torturer.

He had still barely known Dean, when he’d almost started crying saying, _You won’t like what comes out._

And no, Cas still didn’t. Whatever Ruby had done, or might be doing, this was _wrong._

Dimly, he was aware that Abbadon’s threat was the most serious issue of the moment, but the dead part of Dean he’d caught a glimpse of there in those eyes Cas so loved to stare into… That was far, far more worrying. It always wrecked everything for Cas when Dean was not there to be _his_ moral compass.

Dean was standing again now, trying to round on Ruby still, with Sam trying to block him at every turn. “Sam – Abbadon just _said-_ ”

“So we trust Abbadon now?”

“ _H_ ow _else_ could she have known? She just couldn’t have, Sam. No one’s known where this place is for _decades._ And what’s changed? You brought an old demon home with you. So thanks for that, Sam, you’ve done it again.”

“You shut your mouth, Dean Winchester,” Ruby said, menacingly, from the darkness of Sam’s hulking shadow. “You don’t trust me. Awesome, I don’t blame you – I wouldn’t either, and now Abbadon’s just given you a good reason why. But you leave your brother out of this. You want to know why he ended up in that church with me, to let Lucifer out?” Ruby stepped out, walking towards Dean, apparently unafraid. “It’s because he _cared._ He cared about that exact thing happening, and I convinced him – _everyone_ convinced him that if he sacrificed everything about himself that he respected, then he had a shot at stopping it all, in saving everyone.” She shook her head, teeth clenched tightly. “So don’t you _dare._ ”

Dean blinked, slowly.

“Dean,” Cas tried. To his surprise, Dean turned around to look at him, with a particular look Cas had perhaps only seen from him once before, when Dean had been about to give himself up to Michael. It was a look of pleading, and of unimaginable weariness.

“Why don’t we go and have a look in your father’s journal, or Bobby’s. We may yet have a solution to this issue.”

Dean shrugged heavily. “Alright.”

Carefully, Cas moved over and hesitatingly put an arm around him and lead him away to his room. All the fight seemed to have left Dean now – he simply seemed tired.

*


	7. (Another) Last Night on Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sam is forced to decide on whether or not to trust Ruby, and Dean learns about the ecosystem of bees.
> 
> *
> 
> “It’s just… I’m supposed to be one of the good guys, y’know?”
> 
> “Dean Winchester, you could never live to be anything else. Your soul still burns more brightly, more warmly, than anything I have ever seen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (singing beatles to self) here comes the smut… (that is your warning)
> 
> Sorry this took so long! It should have been up by the weekend but I was forced into a weekend of country-wide binge drinking instead. (I say forced…) And then there was all of the Congreve to read. 
> 
> So yeah, here's me finally having an hour to myself. You'll get a bit of a continuation in the next chapter - I honestly had zero time to spend on this one.

As they entered Dean’s room, Cas paused for a moment to again admire the setting. In the short time he’d had it, Dean had made it very much _his_ : it smelt like his, and it was neat, functional, yet somehow, there were pieces of Dean everywhere, little things to show that he cared about this place. How much longer would Dean have this sanctuary? Cas wondered as he watched Dean sit down on his bed, rubbing his forehead at the worry lines ingrained there. Dean had spent all his life without a home, Cas knew that. He knew how it had hurt him when they had lost Bobby’s home. It had been something _there_ for him – Dean was a loyal soul, he appreciated the things in turn that would always be there for him.

Briefly, Cas wondered if there had ever been a person to do that for Dean in the way he seemed to crave. It certainly had never been Cas, whatever his intent. _“Most of the time I’d rather be here,”_ he’d told Dean once, meaning it.

Now he could be. No circumstances prevented him from never leaving Dean’s side again. Nothing but the incomprehensibility of the man himself, and the thought that ‘never’ may not now be so long away.

“Dean,” Cas said at last. Dean was sitting on his bed, hands rubbing at his temples, and gave no sign that he had heard Cas speak. “We should… begin to plan how to deal with Abbadon tomorrow. We have little time.”

Apparently with great reluctance, Dean swung his head up to meet Cas’ stare, his face seeming distinctly unimpressed.

“Cas I am sick and tired of ‘making plans’, of trying to make the moves that keep our heads just above water. ‘Sides. Lately my _plans_ haven’t worked out so well.” Dean stood up and crossed the room to his drawer, and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. “It’s pretty thankless, trying to make sure everyone survives.”

Dean sat down again and unscrewed the half-empty bottle, as Cas put his hands down on the bed next to Dean. “You can’t let yourself give up, Dean. Not now.”

Dean took a drink out of the bottle. “Yeah, well. That’s what I thought last time around when Sam was dying. You weren’t there, I needed to decide shit on my own and… I did what I had to, but it still got all screwed up, and now Sam trusts me so little he’d rather side with a demon bitch over me. Again.”

Although it was nothing Cas didn’t already know, for some reason Dean’s ‘ _you weren’t there’_ struck a plaintive chord.

“Dean, Sam’s actions are hardly a matter of…”

“No, that’s exactly it, Cas. Her being here is just proof about how little Sam trusts me now, and how little he cares. If we want to start _making plans_ , it’s her we need to start with.”

“Yes,” Cas agreed. “But we need to be questioning her, Dean, not killing her. Are you ready for that self-control yet?”

Dean held his gaze angrily before eventually dropping it, his jaw and bottom lip quivering slightly as he gripped his bedcovers tightly for support.

“No. No I don’t think so,” he choked.

Gently, Cas laid a hand down on Dean’s shoulder, as he might have once to fly him somewhere, and listened to Dean’s heavy breathing become a strangled laugh, “It’s just… I’m supposed to be one of the good guys, y’know?”

Cas felt his eyes soften and his mouth harden simultaneously as he gripped Dean’s shoulder, forcing the other man to face him again. “Dean Winchester, you could never live to be anything else. Your soul still burns more brightly, more warmly, than anything I have ever seen. And after everything you’ve lived through your capacity for love is astounding.” What Cas didn’t mention was the worrying blood red tendrils he’d begun to notice clutching, grasping at Dean’s being since he’d taken on this Mark on his arm.

Dean’s green eyes widened hopefully, as though trying to let himself believe Cas’ words.

“I dunno. The whole love thing… yeah. These days I’m mostly just a grumpy shit. Hell, I’m not sure if I could even go in and _talk_ to Sam right now…”

“Well then stay here,” Cas said, reluctantly sliding his hand off of Dean’s shoulder. “I’ll go talk to them. And you can start thinking of a plan.” He stood up and tried to give Dean a small smile. “We’ll get through this, Dean.”

“Hmm.”

As Cas left the room, Dean didn’t look up.

*

Sam had sat Ruby down at the table again. “Ok. So you’re not working for Abbadon.”

“I told you, there’s no point in that for me.”

“Right. But like Dean’s been saying, there didn’t seem to be any reason for you to be on Lilith’s side either.”

Ruby looked as though she had an angry retort to that on the tip of her tongue, but she seemed to catch herself before she could say anything. “Fair point, I guess. But Abbadon… I’ll admit I thought she was pretty badass. But she’d not someone you _follow_ , she’s too much a soldier herself. She’s a cool cog in the machine, she’s not working for anything herself.”

Sam held her gaze, pursing his lips slightly. “Look, Ruby, you know that however Dean acts, whatever he said… it doesn’t matter. You’re a human, and we don’t hurt humans, not unless they try to hurt us.”

She gave him a half-smile, like an adult about to have to explain to a kid the truth about Santa. “You hurt demons possessing them. You kill possessed people when they’ve got nowhere to go – Sam, you guys do that all the time.”

“Are you saying you _are_ keeping something back?” Sam asked, trying hard to ignore her well-placed jibe. What had she said about them? That they’d lost their _‘principles’…_

“ _No_. Sam, that’s not what I’m saying. I wouldn’t do that to you. Not after how you’ve helped me.”

Sam narrowed his eyes. “Wouldn’t you?” And something in her seemed to break in shock, in sadness. Sam knew well how good an actress she could be, but she seemed now genuinely hurt that he could believe that of her.

Hearing footsteps, and recognising quickly that they weren’t Dean’s, Sam turned around to watch Cas walking back into the room. Sam didn’t think he’d seen the angel look so… well, dangerous, in years. Ignoring Sam, Castiel walked straight over around the table to Ruby, and pulled her out of her seat.

“Cas, what are you-”

“This will only take a moment, Sam. Ruby,” he continued, his eyes on her. “I need you to say honestly whether you had anything to do with Abbadon being here.”

Sam tried putting a hand on Cas’ arm. “ _Cas.”_

“Ruby.”

She stared at him unblinkingly. “No,” she said eventually. “I have never spoken to her. I have never worked for her. I haven’t worked under anyone since I got out – none of them are the real thing.”

Cas narrowed his eyes, then slowly he started to release her and she slumped down against the wall, breathing heavily. It was easy to forget sometimes, thought Sam as he went to pick her up, exactly _what_ Cas was. And then sometimes he was all divine brimstone and whirlwinds, and a little terrifying. Looking at Ruby, he knew that she’d never forgotten.

“Cas. What the Hell was that.”

Cas was pacing around in a circle, and looked back at Sam distractedly. “I don’t think she’s lying. But I can’t be certain.” He met Sam’s eyes at last. “What do you think? Do you trust her?”

Without looking back at Ruby, Sam quickly made his decision and flopped his hands helplessly at his side. “As much as I could… ever hope to,” he said eventually.

Slowly, Cas nodded. “Alright. I didn’t think, really, it was anything like that. I think Abbadon would have kept quiet had she still had a spy within these walls.”

Sam nodded sharply in agreement as he got Ruby into a seat and sat down to look up at Cas. He wasn’t looking at Ruby yet, he didn’t want to think about what he’d just done for her, with no proof that she was anything other than she had always been: a traitor.

“Although I wonder about Crowley…”

“It’s sorta too late to work out whose fault this is, I guess. And hey, it’s better you coming through here than Dean. He’d have… well. I dunno if we wanna see that yet. Does any of Dean… _being Dean_ , have something to do with the Mark on his arm?”

Cas looked at him in the same way he had not so long ago when Sam had ordered him to keep pushing a needle into his throat. “I hope not. I can’t be sure. I am sure that that Dean has been very angry, for a very long time now…”

Sam smirked, with effort. “He could use something to cheer him up.”

“Yes, he…”

Sam was aware of Ruby starting to smile slightly at him. She at least seemed to know what he was getting at. “Have you thought of talking to him about… what we talked about last night?”

Sam could swear the Angel had started to blush.

“…Because, y’know Cas, this might just end up being your last chance.”

Cas cleared his throat. “Of course that’s also why we should concentrate on finding a way out of this situation-”

“We got this, Cas. This – you guys… it’s pretty important too.”

Cas remained standing, almost motionless for what seemed a long time, staring at Sam almost as though he’d just told him Dean was dead.

“You think that, I… that we…”

“You should go for it, Cas,” Sam asserted, trying not to think into details about what he meant by that. “But… uh – don’t,” he tried for a laugh, “don’t ask me. Go ask _Dean._ ”

Cas nodded. “Of.. of course.” His low voice sounded almost comical now, the way he was using it to stumblingly think things through. “I’ll… I’ll go and… do that.” And then he blinked and walked out of the room again.

Ruby choked out a laugh the moment they could no longer hear footsteps. “Castiel – the _angel_ – is he about to, to go and _proposition_ your dickwad of a brother? Is that – are they a thing? Did you just – did you just _make that_ a thing?”

“Uh.” Sam stated to laugh with her. “I – maybe? I really don’t know any more.”

“That is… so fucked up.” She shook her head in apparent amazement. “I guess I don’t know either anymore. I thought I got Dean – a little, anyway. I was saying all that shit earlier about him not being able to settle down, not being able to care – but something there,” she gestured to the space Cas had just vacated, “That’s stuck, right?”

“It seems to have, anyway.” Sam smiled at her. “Maybe you were wrong about you as well then.”

She snorted. “Not so sure about that. I just can’t _see_ it, I guess.”

She slumped forward onto the table and smiled up at him as he thought to himself about what he should tell her, trying not to think about why, when, he’d decided he could trust her. “I can. I’ve… sorta seen it before.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Why, Sammy Winchester have you been fantasising about me?”

“No,” he said, a little too quickly. “I – we – me and Dean, the other year we got… sent into a parallel universe.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“No joke. We were actors, on a show, about our own lives.”

She bit her lip, clearly trying to stop herself laughing. “Fuck.”

“Yeah. It was… messed up something serious.” He ran a hand back through his hair, distractedly. “We were loaded actor dudes. Dean was a _model_. I had a… dammit what was it… I had an _alpaca._ ”

“Oh my God.”

“Right! And… and I also had this… this _crazy_ hot wife. Turns out I – well, other-me - ended up with one of the show’s actresses.”

He enjoyed watching Ruby’s eyes widen. “ _No._ ”

“Oh yeah we did. It was coma-girl you. The first time.”

She smiled disbelievingly. “The short brunette in the coma…”

“That’s the one.”

For a moment she looked almost stricken. Then eventually she smiled again and narrowed her eyes. “You never told me I was crazy hot.”

Sam smiled awkwardly and looked away. “I uh-” He coughed. “I suppose not.”

She pushed her lower lip out thoughtfully. “Shoulda tried harder to hold on to that body. I liked her.”

“For the record… this one’s pretty cute too.”

*

Dean looked up from his laptop wearily as Cas walked back into the room, two mugs of coffee carefully held in hand. Twenty minutes of searching around for ideas on how to combat a bomb, or whatever the fuck Abbadon had out there had, predictably, given him squat.

“Coffee?”

“I thought we might need it.”

“Well _you_ don’t,” Dean corrected him as he took the coffee. “Angels don’t need any extra buzz, you’re all zapped up on angel mojo all the time right?”

“Well, yes,” Cas admitted as he sat down beside him on the bed, and started sipping at his own drink. “But I still find the drink… comforting somehow. I don’t need it but… I want it anyway, if that makes sense.”

Dean grunted, amused. “So,” he said, “you get anything out of miss-demon-no-more out there?”

Cas shook his head. “I don’t think she had anything to do with this Dean.”

“Huh. I guess I just wanted to be right about her. If she did seem like the same crazy demon bitch I’d be more up for us ganking her.”

Cas gave him that strange look that was almost expressionless, except for the wide eyes, which seemed to smile at him. “People can change, Dean. Even demons… even angels, eventually.”

Dean smiled, weakly. If Abbadon meant what she’d threatened – if she’d really meant it – then all of Cas’ changes, all of Cas’ resurrections… they’d all be for nothing, wouldn’t they?

No more soldier of heaven, no more Cas ending up crazy or human or… anything. No more Cas unable to flip an FBI badge the right way up, or to get all excited about getting a drink with his friends for the first time. Unless… well, unless _God_ was still looking out there, unless God still had some plan for Cas he hadn’t bothered to tell the poor bastard about yet – some plan bigger and grander than just hanging around with his deadbeat douchebag of a very human friend…

“Hey man, I’m sorry about… well, going all Ramsay Snow on you all earlier. I – I didn’t mean that.” He took his laptop of his knee and closed it, putting it down on the floor beside him, and drinking the end of his coffee. He almost smiled. Cas made a good cup of coffee. “I guess I just… go a little crazy sometimes, when it comes to Sam, when I think someone’s about to hurt him.”

Cas cocked his head to one side. “You spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about others, Dean.”

Dean put his head down. _Ain’t that the truth._ “Nah. Not as much as I should do.”

“Well, I can’t think of a single time you have asked for something that was for yourself, only for you, Dean. Except perhaps…” Cas’ eyes bored into Dean’s like power drills, and dammit he _wanted_ to look away but the dude had him paralysed. “…for whatever it was you were going to ask for, two nights ago, on the phone.”

Dean opened his mouth, but was unable to say a word. Cas’ eyes were so insistent, so certain, it took everything to force himself to laugh and say, “I told you, Cas, I was fucked, I was so drunk…” He  continued to look at Cas, however tempting it was to hide his face, praying that Cas would understand the pleading in his eyes and drop it. Because what was the point?

It was Cas who looked away, but Dean saw that he had started to smile. “You know Dean, I was thinking about when I made you accompany me in my hunting of Raphael.”

“Uh-huh,” Dean choked, mouth dry.

“… And I was thinking about what you promised me, that night we thought to be our last, or, at least, mine. And you said-”

“-That I wouldn’t let you die a virgin. I remember.” Dean felt a physical ache in his chest as Cas raised his head again, smile widened. He just looked… so damn adorable, and so, despite everything, unhurt, unsullied.

“Well,” Dean continued, plastering on a smile of his own, “You managed that all on your own.”

Cas blinked. “Yes, I did. But that… that wasn’t with any thanks from you, Dean.”

Dean raised an eyebrow. _He only needed to make this effort for just one more night, just one more goddamn lonely night._ “So you wanted a higher level of participation from me, s’that it Cas?”

Cas nodded firmly. “Yes, that… might have been more enjoyable.”

“ _More Enjoyable._ ”

“Yes.”

_Oh shit._

Dean tried to laugh, he did, but he knew what came out sounded more like he was choking. What… what could you even say to something like that? A simple ‘I don’t play for that team,” might have rolled off his tongue in the past, easy as anything, but now the words stuck in his throat. Not simply because Cas wouldn’t have understood, not at all, but because they would have made up the most ridiculous lie he’d ever told him. Lately all he’d been able to think about was the admission that, fuck it, he would play on whatever team for whatever game if it meant playing with Cas.

“Look Cas, if you’re trying to proposition me for sex right now…”

Cas’ blue eyes just stared and stared and stared.

“Oh.”

Cas leant forwards towards Dean on the bed, still staring at him, wide-eyed, taking everything so very seriously, and yet, more softly than Dean had seen him look since they’d broken him out of that mental hospital. Dean was suddenly so very aware of the beating of his own heart and it was beating so much faster – no, _slower_ – it, it was _beating_ anyway…

“Dean, I’m going… I’m going to kiss you now.” Dean could only stare, as he felt Cas’ deep voice reverberate through him.

Cas blinked again, almost concerned. “If… if that’s alright?”

And he just sounded so _certain_ , but so fucking unsure… And Dean couldn’t stop himself any longer.

They lunged for each other at almost the same moment.

Cas’ lips… _fuck,_ to think of all the time Dean had spent staring at them, when they were right there, the whole time for the taking… Now they were all over him. Cas wasn’t artful in his kissing, and normally, Dean would find that a little bit of a turn-off – but this was _Cas,_ and at long last he was actually holding him in his arms. This wasn’t some smothered daydream, or nightmare come to taunt him, this was the real Castiel, his Cas, his angel, his… whatever the fuck Cas was supposed to be. Dean didn’t care anymore. For the first time in a long time, he really just didn’t care.

Cas pulled out, his hair on edge from where Dean had started to muss it up with his free left hand. “Dean… Dean is this ok?”

Dean almost wanted to cry. They’d gone and left this, left them, right, _right_ to the last night. This might be their first chance at anything, and it could just as easily be their last, if Abbadon had her way.

So. That meant they had to go and do this _right._

“That… this is – it’s so ok, Cas, really, it’s everything. Ok, alright,” Dean started laughing softly as he cradled Cas’ face in his hands, unable to believe he was really doing this. He took a deep breath. He could do this. He was Dean Winchester, and he’d been known all his life as an idiot, useless dropout – but he was also the same man who’d left hearts breaking over him all across the country. If there was one thing, just one, he was supposed to be good at, it was this.

“Let’s try it… a little slower this time ok? And open your mouth this time, idiot.”

Cas smiled in relief, and leaned in again to Dean’s waiting lips.

Almost unthinkingly, Dean eventually started trying to undo Cas’ shirt buttons, which wasn’t so simple when their mouths were still so firmly locked together. As Dean’s fingers brushed Cas’ naked chest he listened with satisfaction as the other man let out a low moan, which continued as Dean finished unbuttoning him, and was able to slide his hands under it, pushing the shirt off along with Cas’ coat, which flopped onto the floor on a heavy bundle.

“Hey Cas,” Dean murmured as he lightly started to push the angel down onto the bed, aware for the millionth time the miracle it was that this celestial powerwave _thing_ that could probably lift buildings would move or pause at his slightest touch.

“Yes, Dean?”

“Remember,” Dean, still fully clothed, started straddling Cas’ torso as he started placing kisses on his neck, “the last time I saw you naked? You were covered in bees, man. _Bees._ ”

Cas nipped at Dean’s lips as they approached Cas’ face again. “I like bees. There is almost no other animal so beneficial-”

“Oh don’t give me that, Cas, please,” Dean groaned, as he pulled off his own jacket and tee, so that when Cas sat up  to start undoing his belt buckle, he was able to kiss softly at Dean’s belly-button, wide eyes staring up at Dean.

In his kneeling position, Dean almost felt as though he were about to start uttering a prayer, a proper one as he felt himself start to stiffen. “Actually you know what… Cas, you wanna talk about bees? You go ahead and fucking talk about bees. You hear everything about what I care about. And I wanna,” Dean paused, distracted, as Cas started to unzip him out of his jeans, “Hell, I just wanna know everything, anything you wanna say, alright?”

Cas smirked so quickly Dean almost assumed he’s imagined it. “You wish for me to talk about bees, Dean?”

“Yeah – just, go on.”

And so as Cas started pulling Dean’s jeans down to his knees, slow as a strip-teaser, Dean learnt a little about the pollinating habits of bees, and their importance to the planet’s ecosystem.

And then Cas pulled down Dean’s underwear, giving a small smile to himself. “…As I say, all God’s creation. It… never ceases to astound me.”

Dean hit him playfully over the head. “Don’t you compare my _manhood_  to a bunch of insects.”

Cas continued to bite down on a smile as he regarded what was still right in front of his face, as though it was a puzzle he intended to solve. “Believe me, Dean, it was not my intention to insult you.” He looked up again. “I want… I want to help you, help you with this… only I’m not entirely sure how to begin.”

Dean had to try very hard then to stop himself groaning, as he leaned down to Cas’ mouth and kissed him there again, the slight stubble on his chin bristling at his own unshaven face. “Cas, just… just let me show you first.” Because, tonight, Cas said he wanted Dean to be selfish.

And Dean had always been able to do that so much easier when he was giving something to someone else.

Gently, he pushed Cas back onto the bed, kissing him all over his chest, his stomach, nipping lightly at his nipples as he slid Cas out of his pants.

“Alright,” Dean breathed at last as he carried his lips over Cas’ cock, welcoming it into his mouth, sliding his teeth over gently again and again as Cas began to moan again. Dean didn’t think he’d ever heard anything sweeter in his life. And when he could feel that Cas was about to come, Dean’s own erection aching in anticipation, he didn’t pull out. The taste in his mouth was his own private reminder of just how human he could bring Cas to be for him, despite everything.

“Dean-”

But Dean, having kicked off his shoes at last, and wriggled out of his jeans, had climbed up over Cas’ warm, now partially wet, body and had planted his mouth over Cas’, cutting the words off. Cas was still breathing heavily when Dean paused. “Cas,” he murmured.

“Dean, I… I want,” Cas narrowed his eyes and gripped his hands tighter around Dean’s waist, “I _need_ you inside of me.”

“Cas, we… I’ve not got anything to help, nothing, no…” And now it was Cas’ turn to smile at him, as though dealing with an innocent.

“Dean, I might be flightless, but,” as he breathed into the crevice of Dean’s neck Dean almost came there and then, “I’m still an angel. And we aren’t so easily harmed.”

Dean laughed, a little nervously. “Right then, _angel_ ,” he grinned. “I want you bent over.”

Cas raised his eyebrows.

“Please,” Dean laughed, giving him a light shove. And obediently, Cas knelt down on the bed, the first bed Dean had ever really had of his own, and splayed his hands out near the pillows. Then he tilted his face back to look at Dean, his eyes an invitation, a challenge.

Slowly, Dean moved up the bed towards him, wrapped his body over him, around him, and came up to whisper in his ear, moving his hand over Cas’ as he did so.

“Cas I… I want you to touch yourself now, for me.” And he kissed him again on the neck as he guided Cas’ hand down towards his cock. “Have you… have you ever done this before Cas?”

“Yes.”

“Ever done it thinking of me?”

Cas narrowed his eyes at him again. “I thought I told you I wanted you inside of me.”

And as Dean started to put two fingers around inside him he had to laugh, and he was still laughing as Cas, starting to put his hand to work on himself, looked around at him in scorn. “Dean. What did I just say,” he growled.

Dean pushed his fingers in deeper. “That’s what I’m doing.”

“No, I want _you._ ”

Dean was about to laugh at him and say something about patience, but… But Cas was right. He was a goddamn angel of the lord, and he’d just said he could take this.

And dammit. Dean couldn’t hold out any longer.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone who's followed things this far! It does mean a lot - I hope this one was a good enough read for you, but please feel free to tell me what you think of it so far either way :)


	8. Witch's Brew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby may have a plan of action to get them out of this, but it will involve everyone taking a chance on her.
> 
> *
> 
> “Have you been watching me sleep all night?”
> 
> “For the parts I let you sleep, yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's stuck with the story so far - it's almost at it's end now...

Sam woke up at the table around nine with Ruby smiling at him.

“Morning, sleepy head.”

Sam groaned and sat up, bashfully trying to put his hair back in place. “How long was I out?”

“’bout three hours. It’s amazing really, with that noise coming through from the other room.”

Sam groaned for a second time, with greater feeling. “How long were they… going at it then?”

“I keep thinking it’s the end, and then every few hours, apparently one of them wakes up and figures he isn’t done.”

“Angels don’t sleep.”

“…and certainly not in bed with your brother.”

Sam closed his eyes childishly. “Please. I’m getting images I really, really don’t need. I’ve probably only got a few more hours to live – if I could spend them not having to think about Dean in bed with Cas… that’d be great.”

Ruby smirked at his embarrassment, before her face sobered. “Well, I think I might have thought of a way to avoid imminent death, so you might have to deal with that reality a little longer.”

“You serious?” Sam asked, face lighting up as he got to his feet.

She stood up, looking pleased with herself. “We’re bringing that bitch down, Sam.”

Without thinking about it, Sam walked around the table and picked her up off her feet, and had to stop himself from kissing her. He was suddenly very aware of the very _human_ brightness in her eyes, how gorgeous and large her lips were…

Putting her down, he coughed, and awkwardly tried not to look at her. “Should, we – uh – go kick the lovebirds outta bed then?”

*

Dean blinked his eyes open, and turned around once again to find Cas lying right behind him, spooning him and still staring at him, with a big dopey grin on his face.

“Good morning, Dean.”

This was real. It was the morning after and his naked angel was still lying next to him.

The night had actually _happened._

All of it. Even the parts that, at the time, he couldn’t believe were happening. _When he’d been inside of Cas, so close to coming for the first time, Cas groaning out his name beneath him, the two of them moving faster, and easier, Dean had suddenly felt not just like he was riding, topping Cas, but like this was the whole world he’d suddenly conquered – he’d never felt so alive, or so in control. He felt like, for the first time in his life, he wasn’t just running after everyone else, picking up on something they’d done – he was doing something, and doing it all because he wanted to, because he had needed this for so long…_

_He’d been on edge for so long it hadn’t taken a lot for the orgasm to finally hit him, almost knocking him out with the sheer, unexpected force of it, and he’d cried out - but then he’d blinked and put one of his hands around Cas’ cock, over his hand, breathing at him to keep going, to keep moving. Then Cas gasped as he came again, covering Dean’s clean bedsheets._

_Dean took his time leaving Cas. It felt like… it would mean that it was the end – that it was all over. That just like every good time he’d ever had with Cas, once it had finished, Cas would be gone, and he’d be alone again._

_But when they collapsed down onto the bed, panting and staring at each other, Cas, smiling, started pulling Dean towards him all over again._

_He really was getting better at the whole kissing thing._

_“We should… I should shower or something.”_

_Cas’ face fell slightly, and Dean had to bite his lip. He looked so damn cute._

_“You can, uh, come with me if you like…”_

Technically speaking, it probably hadn’t been the best sex of his life.The two of them had been far too much like idiot lovestruck teenagers all night, unable to stop touching each other, stop kissing each other. Cas was hardly experienced, and Dean had never been with a guy and not wanted to repress the memories of it the next morning. So they probably had a load to work on there.

But if anyone ever got the chance to ask, what with them getting blown up soon… Yeah. Best night of his whole life.

And this morning, whatever the fuck Abbadon did to the day from here on in… she couldn’t take away the kickass, awesome feeling that Cas was still there in the bed with him.

“Have you been watching me sleep all night?”

“For the parts I let you sleep, yes.”

“You creeper,” Dean muttered as he shoved against Cas lightly, and kissed him again. He was never, he decided, going to be over the feeling of Cas’ lips on his.

“We should get up. We should… We should… help Sam,” Cas murmured, as Dean’s mouth lowered to his neck.

“Yeah… yeah, we should…”

But Dean didn’t want to leave this room. It would be nice, for once, to just… stop running. To stay in bed with Cas, just _pretending,_ and wishing reality away, until they were gone, arm in arm, in a fiery blaze of glory.

But. There was still Sam to think of, just like always. Groaning, Dean sat up, just as the knocking started.

“Uh – Dean? Are you and… Are you in there?”

Dean could almost see the awkward little dance Sam would be doing outside the door.

“Yeah, m’up,” he called back. He grinned over at Cas. He should be embarrassed – it had been one of the things he’d determined Sam should never know about, that he felt anything more than friendship for Cas. But the belief they were all about to die was liberating.

“Come out soon, alright? We think we’ve thought of a way out of this.”

“We’ll be out in a sec!”

But for a moment Dean only sat there, half covered by his bedcovers, in shock. They might get to live. He might get to live, enjoying Cas.

He might have to live with Sam knowing about this.

Seeming to understand everything going through his head, Cas sat up and wrapped his arms around him. “You know… It was Sam who told me I should go to you, last night.”

“Sam _knew?_ ”

Cas smiled like he was talking with a child he was patiently waiting to catch up to him. “Your brother is more perceptive than you give him credit for, Dean.”

Fighting the urge to fall flailing back on his pillow, bringing Cas down with him, Dean looked about the room. His jeans… he’d left them around somewhere…

*

Sam seemed more animated than Cas had seen him in a long while when he and Dean came back to join him and Ruby. Ruby was looking… smug, to see them both. Cas knew that his hair was all an obvious mess, he knew Dean was trying not to look at any of them…

None of it mattered. He was happy that they knew. He wanted everyone, anyone to know. He wanted everyone to feel this good about themselves, and life, and so he was aware that he walked into the room, to talk about these grave issues, with a gigantic grin on his face.

“So. You said you have a plan. Let’s hear it.”

“Actually, it’s not mine – it’s, uh, it’s Ruby’s,” Sam said, gesturing to Ruby, who stepped forwards slightly.

Cas wasn’t all that sure whether Dean was avoiding looking at Ruby because she knew what he’d been doing all night, or because he was, on some level, ashamed, of what he’d almost done to her. Of what he still, probably wanted to do to her. Cas thought for a moment about the mark on Dean’s arm, the mark _he had kissed so tenderly in bed with him, and looked at Dean again, hoping his eyes communicated what he was still unsure of how to say – that whatever this mark meant, he would be there. That if it was a part of Dean, then it was something Cas could love. Even if it scared him._

“Right. It’ll work, but you’re not gonna like it,” was what she started with, predictably sending Dean’s arms up to his chest, wrapped around him like a shield.

“I said let’s hear it.”

She looked right at him, ignoring Sam and Cas for the moment, and took a deep breath. “Alright. So. I was having a look through all of your books, and one of them listed all the ways they had to bind demons. Most of them were just different ways of using a demon’s trap. But one of them… one of them talked about a spell.”

“A spell? Like, witchcraft sorta spell?”

“Yeah. A hexbag. One strong enough to get every demon in a ten-metre radius to be forced to stand still.” Everyone watching her, she dug into the pocket of Sam’s shirt she was wearing and pulled out a small bag, made up of jute, and bound with what was probably a leather cord. It almost reeked of untapped power.

“One I made earlier,” she said grimly as she set it down on the table. “Your Letters dudes kept well-equipped cupboards. But not all that great. That thing’s our one shot. And it wears off quick.”

“So how does it work?” Sam asked, brows furrowed. “We just wait for them all to come out, say we’re going out with the keys, and throw that down on the ground next to them?”

Ruby nodded reluctantly. “Pretty much. Except, I’m not sure how it’ll work on Abbadon. She’s a knight – that could change things.”

“Your knife never worked on her.”

“Ok, then make that a – this almost definitely changes things.” She took a deep breath, seeming to be working herself up to something.

“Our main issue is that I have to be the one to start it working. I’m the witch that made it, it’s my hexbag. And I’m the one that Abbadon is most likely to listen to. So,” she finished, drawing herself up, “it’s got to be me out there.”

There was silence for a moment, although Cas could hear Sam drawing his breath. He hadn’t know about this, Cas realised, and now that he did, it… upset him. Could he have been over-exaggerating when he’d spoken of trusting Ruby?

Face almost unreadable, though certainly no longer bashful, Dean took a step towards Ruby. “You’re saying you want to go out there and try to pretend to betray us all? You think we trust you enough for that?”

“I think you got no other plan. You were too busy fucking all night to come up with one yourself.”

Cas watched the angry muscles pulse under Dean’s jaw, but didn’t move forward. He had, albeit slim, confidence that Dean could control himself this time.

“Dean. She’s right. If this was able to demobilise all of the demons bar Abbadon, and you had a bullet able to disable her as backup, while I created a demon trap… we could get through this.”

Dean didn’t turn to look at Cas when he spoke. “I know. But it all hinges on trusting Ruby. And that freaks me out.”

Ruby looked as though she was about to laugh. “What would I even do out there?”

“Hand over the keys, then get out of our line of fire. Save your own skin.”

She stepped towards him, chin arched up and spoke softly, as though hoping that only Dean would be able to hear her. “… thought you said I’d never had a thought of my own?”

“Maybe you’ve been working for Abbadon from the start. Or maybe… well. People change. Wasn’t that your line this whole time?”

“Dean,” Cas said slowly, in an attempt to calm Dean down again. “We’ve not got any other ideas. This at least leaves us with only Abbadon to deal with.”

“Huh,” Dean grunted, walking away from Ruby at last to lean against the table. “That is if Ruby here pulls this off and doesn’t screw with us.”

“It I didn’t already know I was your only hope I’d try giving you some sorta character reference.”

Dean turned to glower at her. “Fine. But I’m the one at your back with the gun.”

“Fine. I’ll get ready to go then.”

But just as Ruby’s lips compressed into a small thin line and she made to move away, Sam stopped her. She sighed loudly, but Cas noticed how hurt she looked for just a moment. “Not you as well, Sam.” She folded her arms. “Look, I know I still haven’t given you any real reason to trust me – I get that. But this _is_ our only shot.”

“Ruby, I know that. But I don’t like this. You’re… you’re the only one putting yourself in danger, here.”

“Well. You’re all still in danger of getting blown to bits, if she’s not bluffing, so not really.”

Sam’s fingers started to fiddle with his shirt sleeve, hanging ill-fittingly off Ruby’s arm, looking as though he was seeing her for the first time. “Does… does it have to be you?”

Cas cocked his head slightly, surprised at the choked sound of Sam’s words. It was not extroverted, it wasn’t _loud…_ but he thought it might be the greatest level of emotion he’d ever seen from Sam – Sam who, like his brother, had always tried so hard to act _strong._

Ruby smiled up at him, almost nervously, as she gripped the arm holding her in place. “Yes. But I’ll be coming right back. Like I said, you guys are probably in a hell of a lot more danger than I am. And I can take care of myself.”

Sam nodded. “Right.” Then for a moment he continued standing awkwardly in front of her, before eventually bending down and gathering her up into his arms, kissing her.

Next to Cas, Dean seemed to be struggling to find words to adequately express the confusion, frustration and embarrassment that his face was screaming out so well. He only grew more incensed when all Cas did was smile, and Sam and Ruby still hadn’t stopped.

Dean clapped his hands together, determinedly turning his face to stone. “Right. So let’s get this done.”

Now Ruby seemed reluctant to let go of Sam.

“C’mon, I thought we were fighting for our lives here or something.”

Ruby turned her face from Sam at last and smiled at Dean. “You’re not the only one who can multitask around here, alright?”

*

It was a comfort having her knife back in her own hands. It had always been that _one thing_ making her special, for so long, the knowledge that she could kill just about any sonofabitch that dared come near her.

Things were different now, of course. She had to keep reminding herself, constantly, that this body was not dispensable. That as unfamiliar as it still felt to wear, it was _hers_ and she could not make it out to another if something went wrong.

Ruby was feeling human at last. More human even than when she’d been sat in that church with Sam asking how she could ever learn to deal with everything she was feeling. It was worse now, that fragility, that feeling that everything anyone chose to do to her was going to affect her in little ways, either physically or emotionally, and that there was no way to escape that. Because now she was about to go out and risk death, risk her short little human lifespan she’d barely gotten used to. And she was doing it with the ghost of Sam’s lips still dancing over her own.

For the first time in… a very long time, someone cared about her, a little at least, enough to show some concern, to gather her into his arms. And the fact that it had to be the same one who of all people deserved to despise her into eternity… didn’t that just set the feelings off again?

The world didn’t deserve a man like Sam Winchester in it.

But it was Dean who opened the door up for her to get out, giving her one last warning glare as he cocked his gun ready.

“So you throw down your little bag of wonders and you scat, right? Then I get a clear shot at Abbadon, and the other two start drawing one big fucking devil’s trap, and maybe ganking a few demons. Anything else you wanna share about this plan of yours?”

“Think you got it all there, Machoman.”

He narrowed his eyes. “You stick to the plan. You do as we say. And if you mess us around and we don’t make it… I am gonna haunt you into a very early grave. Ok?”

“Got it,” she deadpanned, and walked out the door, trying her best not to look back at Sam.

It was a bright, warm day that she stepped up into. The grass was green, the flowers were starting to pop up… Hell, if it weren’t for the demons standing around on the lawn, she’d wonder about where all the Springtime bunny rabbits were hiding. But Abbadon’s lot kind of took centre stage.

Unless some of them were hiding out, there were less of them than Ruby had thought. But Abbadon would have brought only the best.

Abbadon… Ruby had seen her only once before. Now, as she had then, all she could think when she looked at her was how magnificent she looked. She practically reeked of strength and power, real power, and she’d chosen to keep herself beautiful. Her lipstick was perfect.

But this time, Ruby knew fear when she looked at her. She was only human now. If any of Abbadon’s demons decided to shoot her down now, and take the keys from her dead fingers, she couldn’t do anything about it. And Abbadon knew it, and she was lapping it up.

She just needed to convince them somehow that she was worth more to them alive.

“Ruby, isn’t it?”

Abbadon was leaning lazily against an armoured car like it was a throne, in full military camo gear. She looked every bit a queen, every bit the queen Ruby had once entertained the hope of being one day. When Sam had forgiven her, when he’d won all his battles…

But she didn’t want to be a queen any longer.

Standing with her legs apart, one hand on her hip, Ruby looked up at Abbadon, ignoring the other demons, in what she hoped looked like deference. “That’s me.”

“The one who carried a demon-killing weapon, and freed Lucifer from his cell.”

Ruby blinked and smiled, very deliberately. “Nice to know I have a reputation.”

“Oh, a great big one honey,” Abbadon sighed, jumping down off of her car. “But this… all this going human thing… that’s new.”

“Guess I felt like trying out something different.”

Abbadon smirked at her, and Ruby was aware of the other demons watching her strangely. She was practically a living legend, back from the dead and now turned human.

How many of them remembered what humanity felt like? How many thought her weak for wanting that back again?

How many of them envied her?

Taking a step towards her, Abbadon said, “Tell me, how does it feel?”

“Tell _me_ – how did you know about it?”

Abbadon laughed. Ruby hadn’t really expected an answer to that. “I could kill you right where you stand, in a thousand different ways. There’s no smoking out for you anymore.” She stared intensely at Ruby, as though trying to work her out. “Are you really such a loyal dog, that you would risk your life for men who care nothing for you?”

“I once risked everything for Lucifer, who never even knew my name. I’m sure, as his Knight, you _can_ understand that sort of loyalty…”

Ruby watched as Abbadon’s eyes hardened and figured that this was probably the end of her welcome. Closing her eyes for a moment, she reached into her pocket and gripped onto the hexbag, and threw it on the ground. And then she started running, realising as she did so that she hadn’t even worked out if the bombs were real, and if the Winchesters’ bunker really was in danger.

Well, damn.

And she shoulda picked a longer-legged vessel, was her last thought to herself before hitting the ground.

*

Dean had been good, in the few moments the three of them had shared alone. He hadn’t mentioned Sam’s kiss, he’d just kept out of it. But he hadn’t started on at him for it, which Sam was going to take as acceptance. He wasn’t going to apologise, he wasn’t going to defend himself – he was holding back until they knew what had happened.

Through the slits in the bunker door, they could just work out what was going on outside. Ruby was talking to Abbadon, who was getting closer towards her all the time.

“I don’t think she’s about to betray us,” Castiel murmured behind them. “I think she’s with us on this. She has nothing else to do. Abbadon would never accept a human’s help and spare them.”

Sam’s fist tightened around the handle of his gun. Sometimes, Cas could be good at the whole soothing thing. And others he still seemed to lack a fucking clue of what to say to anything.

“Alright, that’s her thrown the bag,” Dean muttered, with a little surprise, and threw open the door, gun raised. But by the time they’d ran up the steps, Cas running to get the demon trap started, Abbadon was already on top of Ruby.

“NO!” Sam heard himself roar, as he ran towards them, Dean beside him raising his gun.

“I’ve got the shot, Sammy, it’s alright.”

But how worried, really, especially with that thing on his arm, was Dean about not hitting Ruby?

With his heart in his mouth, Sam watched his brother fire a devil’s trapped bullet towards the two women, and found himself praying.

Dean really did have a good shot. The redhead slumped off of Ruby, lifelessly.

As Dean lowered his gun, Ruby started sitting up and Sam ran to catch her. “Hey,” he soothed, smiling, as he held her. “Nice work, we got her.”

Ruby grinned. “Did we?”

And then Sam went flying across the grass, blacking out with the force.

*

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Dean growled, trying not to look over at his brother, slumped on the ground, for what felt like the millionth time that year and raising his gun again.

The Abbadon wearing Ruby got to her feet, brushing dirt off of her pants as she rolled her neck, thinking. “I like this body,” she mused. “It’s… cute. But I don’t like cast-offs. Especially not from spineless traitors.”

“You know I bet,” Dean started, looking over his shoulder at Cas finishing the trap and coming to join them, “You don’t like her. Because you did what she couldn’t. She released your old master from his cellblock when you were still lost in a time warp.”

“And now I do what she never could. I’m being my own master, and boy, am I going to have fun mastering you, Dean.”

She stepped towards him and… and Dean didn’t know what to do.

He could shoot her now, tie her to the ground she stood on and chop her into pieces, just like last time. Then whenever Crowley got him the first blade he could put an end to her for good.

He wouldn’t have thought about it if she’d been wearing someone else. Some poor host always had to die for a demon to go – that was the way things worked. It should have been that much easier to pull the trigger this time because it was Ruby, the Ruby he wanted dead, had wanted dead for years.

But because he _did_ want this, because he was very aware that this was what he wanted, it became harder. He didn’t want to be a monster. And he didn’t want to do any more to make Sam look at him as though he was. Not more than he already did.

But if he just shot her in the foot or something and exorcised her, then that was their shot at Abbadon gone, and all for someone who probably deserved it a hell of a lot more than whoever else she decided to come back wearing.

But before he could make some kind of choice, Abbadon took advantage of his hesitation and sent him flying backwards. Cas, in a rage, whipped out his angel blade and started circling Abbadon.

Arching his neck and trying to force himself to sit up, Dean noticed with relief that Sam’s fingers had started to twitch. But his angel… Cas kept trying to get close to her, to get some sort of shot in on a blade that probably wouldn’t work on her. And she had her blade too…

_He couldn’t lose Cas again. Not again._

Just as he was about to run over in a futile attempt to come to Cas’ rescue, the phone in his pocket started buzzing. Not loud enough for Abbadon to hear it over from where she was, and Dean was about to ignore it and start running. But then he noticed a figure just outside the demon trap, on the phone and waving at him.

Waving a giant, jagged blade.

Crowley grinned at him and tossed it over to him, and it landed on the grass right in front of him. Though he was desperate to run and help Cas, suddenly Dean felt time stand still as his fingers hesitated over the knife’s handle. He had a feeling that if he picked this blade up now, then he wouldn’t be able to take it back.

Well. It was probably already too late for thoughts like that.

*

“… You know. I never feel like I get enough opportunities to kill angels,” Abbadon was saying to Cas, her foot pinning him to the ground, as she played with his angel blade, holding it in a separate hand from her own. “You all seem to be doing such a good job of it yourself.”

She truly was a terrifying creature. Bracing himself to die, Cas only hoped now that she’d keep things quick, and that Dean wouldn’t do anything stupid in the aftermath.

_Dean._

With Abbadon blocking his line of sight, Cas almost thought he imagined hearing Dean’s voice.

“Hey, bitch.”

Gritting her teeth, Cas watched as Abbadon turned her head to face Dean, behind her, and as she gasped Cas was able to kick at her, wriggling and rolling his way out of her grip. But only for a moment – then she had him by the throat, gasping on the floor.

“You know I’m in this one’s head. You think I don’t know how badly it would screw you up if I killed your little loverboy here?”

“If you really have her memories, then you know I don’t care if she lives or not. And just at look what I’m holding.”

She pursed her lips together. “I could end this one before you could get to me.”

“Willing to bet your life?”

Cas wondered if she could hear, if anyone would be able to hear, the slight tremor in Dean’s voice at risking him this way. But Cas heard.

Abbadon narrowed her dark eyes, the eyes that mere minutes ago had been Ruby’s. And then she loosened her grip slightly on Cas and growled, before smoking out of the body, leaving the air reeking of sulphur.

Ruby slumped onto the ground next to him, and a moment later Cas was smiling, weakly, at the feeling of Dean’s hands clutching at his face.

“Hello, Dean.”

*


	9. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Crowley is confronted, Dean figures a few things out and Sam decides on what he wants.
> 
> *
> 
> “It would be nice to save people instead of killing demons. For a change.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I’ve dragged my feet for so long on getting to the end – if you’ve been reading for a while, thanks for sticking with it! I tried to tie in the original planned ending with where the show is right now because I’m angstily enjoying its current direction… I really would love to hear what anyone had to say on what they thought :)

When Ruby awoke, Dean was sitting beside her on the ground, bowlegs almost crossed like a child’s as he distractedly sat playing with the grass between his fingers. “Hey,” he said grumpily as he noticed her starting to sit up – but there was no real anger there now.

“Dean. Why am I still alive?”

He snorted. “Well aren’t you just a bucket of rainbows.”

She batted at his arm, trying to force him into looking at her. “Dean. You could have killed me, there. You probably _should_ have. That was the whole point of you taking on the mark.”

“Well noticed,” he growled. “I guess a thank you would be too easy for you?”

She softened slightly. “I am… grateful. But I don’t get it. You _wanted_ me dead.”

He shrugged. “It wouldn’t have been an easy shot, or whatever. She had Cas.”

“Well exactly. Your angelic Romeo was in danger. Wouldn’t have thought that encouraged rationality.”

“Well it takes some getting used to, alright? Have you ever held power like that? You need to get the hang of it first.” His jaw narrowed. “I’ll get her next time.”

Ruby lowered her voice a little. “I don’t know much about it. But from what I hear it’s not easy not just to head off on a killing spree. It makes it _fun_.” She smiled slightly. “I don’t know how it feels to hold the blade, but I know how it felt as a demon. I don’t think there’s a lot of difference there.” He flinched visibly as she continued. “I don’t think you stopped out of concern for me. I think it was because you still don’t like being the villain. And holding that thing freaked you out.” She nodded at where it lay on the grass a few metres away from them, where Dean presumably had thrown it down. She leant forwards. “I think you stopped because you were enjoying yourself too much.”

His eyes stared her down. “I stopped because it was the smart thing to do. And because Sam would have killed me,” he added, muttering the last.

“Where is he anyway?”

Dean turned his head half-heartedly. “Over with Cas trying to beat up Crowley.”

Ruby smiled in relief as she saw Sam back on his feet, and trying to use his height to intimidate the demon. “Good.”

“And I suppose,” Dean said sighing, “If you need to stick around the bunker… If Sam wants you around… then I’m alright with that.”

“And if I wanted to leave?”

His eyes narrowed in confusion.

Ruby sighed and sat up to face him on the ground. It felt oddly as though they were children, resolving a classroom dispute. “Look Dean. I’m grateful you didn’t kill me. And I’m happy you’ve got over your suppressed gayness and you’re emotionally healthy enough to speak to me.” Dean made some disgruntled noises in response, but didn’t say anything.

“And yeah, I hope Sam… wants me to stay. But if he doesn’t, then I suppose that’s alright. I’ll get through it. Maybe I’ll go and find something else I want  for myself.” She paused for a moment, daring him to say something. “And I haven’t said anything because, so far, you’ve had a right to your threats. But I don’t think you have a reason not to trust me now.”

Dean raised his eyebrows.

“Alright, you could probably find something. But, look, I need you to know that I still have reasons to hold out on trusting _you_. Honestly? You’re dangerous with that thing. You could be terrifying. I could be looking at the new King of Hell right now.”

Dean rolled his eyes and laughed coldly, but something about his face still seemed uneasy, and Ruby knew she’d got to him. “So what, you’re wanting to get _me_ to go break some seals over again?”

She laughed and shoved at his arm. “No. You don’t deserve it. And I don’t like you enough. I’ve still not forgiven you.”

“For _what_? Killing you? Please don’t say you’d have done something different there, sweetheart, or I might have to change my-”

“Not for what you did to me,” she growled. “It’s for what you did to your brother.”

Dean opened his mouth and closed it again, his face somewhere between amusement and confusion. “Ok, tell me what I did that was so much worse than turning him into a junkie for demon blood was. Go on.”

“You called him,” she stated, trying to keep her voice cold. But it was difficult. Human emotions weren’t always easy to deal with. “You called him that night. When we’d got to the convent. You called him a monster. You said you were coming to kill him. I was there with him and I heard every word, every fucking word Dean. You know how shocked I was when I came back and found out you didn’t move right on to him after me?” She laughed.

“At the convent… with Lilith?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.” She looked at him and breathed. “You don’t know what I’m talking about. Right.”

“I called Sam that night. I left him a voicemail saying we’d work it out.”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s… that’s not the message he got.”

“Are you telling me that Sam thought I wanted to kill him that night? That he might still think that?”

Ruby smiled weakly and shook her head. They were both such… _boys._

“I dunno, Dean. Maybe you should try asking him. I was dead, remember?”

*

“So you bugged Ruby’s shoes and then got the information leaked to Abbadon?” Sam gritted his teeth together. “We could have all _died_ Crowley! Then what would you have done to stop Abbadon?”

Crowley ignored Cas’ circling of him and rolled his eyes. “But you _didn’t_ die, Moose. I had a little faith in you, it’d be nice if you could return the favour. And I managed to take out all of Abbadon’s prize flunkies, and almost the lady herself, in one fell swoop.” He grinned and raised his eyebrows, uncomfortably reminding Sam of Dean. “Not such a bad plan.”

“Ruby almost _died_.”

“So? She’s a demon – well, was, thanks to-”

Crowley’s spiel was cut off as Sam punched him in the face.

Oh, he felt better now.

“Don’t tell me you really did take her back.” Crowley laughed, as he tried getting to his feet. “Are you so keen to have another apocalypse on your hands, Moose? The _only_ reason she’s even here is because I told her to be!”

_And because she wanted to be here. And because I let her._

Cas gave Sam a look and a nod from his position behind Crowley.

“Y’know Crowley? I only see one demon here right now. And it’s not Ruby.” Sam exhaled a laugh and raised his eyebrows as he played with the gun in his hands, still fully loaded with demon-trapped bullets. “In fact, I think the only reason Dean didn’t kill you already was because we needed you to get to the First Blade. And, well, we have that now…”

“Do you?”

Crowley smirked, before reappearing next to Dean and picking up the blade with a startled “Hey!” from Dean. Giving Sam a, strangely solemn, wave, Crowley vanished, the blade with him, as Ruby stabbed with her knife at the empty air.

Dean let out a cry of frustration and, getting up, ran back over to Sam. “How the fuck are we going to gut Abbadon without the Blade?”

“That’s just what Crowley wants you to be asking, Dean,” Cas stated, nodding at him.

Sam ran his hands back through his hair. He was honestly still just happy that they were alive. For the first time in a long while he felt like he and Dean had a reason to keep on going, and other people to buffer them. But it was important to think about the task in hand.

“Well. Crowley wants all of these demons dead, or gone, whatever,” Sam said, nodding at Ruby again as she appeared. It was comforting, strangely seeing her with human eyes again, although Sam still found it a little sad that he would never see her own first set of eyes.

But then. Whoever she’d been the first time around, he hadn’t known her. The now was what was important.

“Yeah, because they’re Abbadon’s little army. And if we send them Hellside it won’t do her any harm.”

Sam took a breath. “Sure. Or we could exorcise them instead. If they’re badly knocked about you could probably help them out, right Cas?”

Cas nodded solemnly, his mouth twitching as he turned to Dean. “It would be nice to save people instead of killing demons. For a change.”

Dean shrugged. “Ok, why don’t you and Ruby get to smoking those, and me and Sam’ll find out if there’s any dynamite on our doorstep.”

*

As it happened, there was no dynamite, and appeared to be no bomb, or hexbag, or _anything_ that they could find endangering the bunker. Dean shook his head after they’d completed their circling for a third time. “Bitch went and lied to us,” he muttered, kicking into the ground as he heard Sam scoff behind him. “Is it really such a shock?”

“Well, hardly, but she went and put us through all that emotional bullshit for no good cause. And none of it was real.”

“Of course it was real. It was real for us.”

Dean looked up at the sky, exhaled a sigh and saw his breath in the afternoon light. This voicemail he’d never heard of. Was that another lie from Ruby? Or was that real for Sam too?

“So,” Sam as he slowed down his walking pace to move level with Dean. “So. You let Ruby live. You didn’t have to.”

“You’d think I tried to give Abbadon a lapdance the way you all keep going on about this…”

“Dean,” Sam started again, exhaling a laugh. “I just wanted to say thank you, alright? And that I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d gone ahead.” He frowned. “Well. I would have, a little. I would have got mad. But I would have understood.”

“Really? I thought you were all about the, I can’t forgive shit - we’re not brothers roll at the moment.” Dean tried to make his response casual, but wasn’t sure he succeeded. Alright, it had sounded a little childish.

“Dean, like I already told you – we are brothers. And we’re always going to care – Dean _I’m_ always going to care, and I’m always going to be there for you.” Sam fiddled about his hands, like he did whenever he got angsty about something. “So yeah, I would have gotten mad. I might have not wanted to be around you. But you know if you were ever in trouble I’d be there.” He sighed, not looking at Dean. “… I just wouldn’t have tried bringing you back from the dead again. I kinda thought we’d moved past that.”

How was Dean supposed to tell Sam everything? All the reasons Sam was never going to be just his _brother_ – it didn’t quite sum it up… For such a long time Sam had been Dean’s _everything._ It was never going to be the same for Sam…

But he tried to choke out a laugh. “I guess so.” He had to keep on, he had to pretend.

But did he?

Now there was Cas, and Dean was aware again that Sam didn’t _have_ to be everything. They could be separate people. Dean sleeping with Cas didn’t mean Sam also wanted to bone him. Dean could tolerate Ruby, Sam seemed to like her a little more than that again. And… And that was ok.

“Yeah,” he said eventually, aware of Sam waiting for him to say something else. “I guess… I guess I’m sorry Sam. I shouldn’t have done what I did to you. Not even… to save your life.” He smiled weakly, feeling as though he’d just committed some kind of blasphemy. He still wasn’t sure if he meant the words yet – if he could follow through if the situation ever forced him to choose again. But he understood, now, maybe, a little better. “There’s always enough people trying to mess with our brains without us helping them out with it.”

Sam looked like he was thinking about hugging Dean, but didn’t want to make it all seem more of a ‘moment’ than it already was. He scratched at his head awkwardly instead. “So, uh, speaking of…" He coughed. "The blade… what’d it feel like?”

Dean flapped his hands to his sides. “I dunno what to tell you, Sam. It’s the biggest, oldest fucking knife I’ve ever seen, and now I don’t have it again.”

And, oh, it was like an itch, now, not holding it in his hand…

“Dean?”

“What?”

“Dude, you were staring into space for a good minute there.”

Dean screwed up his face at Sam and frowned, but broke eventually under Sam’s concern. “It felt good, alright? It felt good.”

Sam looked at him strangely, almost smiling, with eyes that screamed panic. “Doesn’t it?”

Dean turned away, not wanting to think about what Sam was trying to say, and cleared his throat as he started walking again, with Sam falling into step. “Anyway. I couldn’t kill her. I mean… You’ve been on a dry spell a long while right? And at least we don’t have to worry about this one going belly-up for her.”

Sam shoved him slightly as they walked. “So what, this mean you want her to stick around.”

“I didn’t say anything about _wanting_ her around… But I guess she’s… useful sometimes.”

“Sure. Dynamite or none we’d have been dead without her.”

“Yeah it’s… it’s not just that.” Dean slowed his pace and stopped walking again, almost feeling like he was shaking. “She told me about something you never mentioned before.”

Sam looked down warily at him.

“Sam… when the angels had me, and you were with Ruby at that church… you got a voicemail from me right?”

Sam put his hands in his pockets. “I dunno Dean. I was pretty gone by that stage…”

“No, don’t bullshit me on this one. You got a phone call.”

Sam sighed and looked down at the ground. “Yeah, I did.”

“Alright, and what did that message say?”

Sam shrugged his shoulders, looked Dean right in the eye. “You basically said that that was it. Talked about how Dad had always said you were going to need to kill me or save me, and that you were done saving me. Do we need to dredge this up again? Or can we get back inside?”

Dean felt like someone had just landed a punch in his gut. Pulling together a faint smile, he kept his eyes on Sam. “Sammy, that wasn’t me. None of that was me. It was-”

“Zachariah? Some demon?” Sam shrugged again. “Yeah, I was hoping so.”

“Well why didn’t you say anything? You should have known I’d never-”

“I hoped, Dean. I didn’t wanna be proved wrong. Tensions were pretty high at the time, y’know? It was sorta at the bottom on the list of priorities. Then eventually, I suppose I forgot. It wasn’t all that important. We had bigger things to think about, like was one of us going to say yes to the angels.”

Dean smacked a hand to his forehead, almost laughing and aware that Sam wasn’t joining him in that. Sam had thought Dean might have wanted to kill him. Poking Sam in the chest, Dean continued to laugh. “Right. We’re gonna be more open about shit. This time we’ll get better at this.”

Sam smiled, a little tightly and pushed Dean’s finger down and away from him. “Alright. But please, no details on Cas. There’s some things that I really don’t need to know.”

*

It was good feeling clean again. The bunker showers really did beat those of any of the motels they’d stayed in all over the country at any point, Sam reflected as he walked back towards his bedroom later, towel tied around his waist. When he got in… he might just sleep actually. Dean and Cas would be happy enough left alone without him and he could use the rest before lurching into the next near-death experience, or having to think any harder about what was going on with Dean. How much was he already changed?  _Cain_ had given him this mark, Biblical Cain… was Dean about to live forever now? He wouldn’t like that…

As he pushed the door open into his room, it knocked against something, hard.

“Fucking Hell, Sam, that was sore.”

Rubbing at her thigh Ruby came out behind the door and scowled at him as she crossed the room to his bed, where she finished zipping up one of the rucksack he’d had sitting around.

“Uh, Ruby… What are you doing?”

She smiled at him, all mock-sweetness. “Stealing your things. Sorry about that. But I remembered, hey, humans have to eat right? I don’t want to starve my first time out as a human again.”

“Well sure…” Sam walked over to the bed. “But where are you going?”

“Not decided yet. This body’s fairly good-looking, so if I work hard at whoring it I might get to be on a beach in Florida in a month or two.” She slung the rucksack onto her bag, the weight of it clearly swamping her, though she didn’t seem like she was letting that bother her. “Don’t worry. I found the box of condoms under your bed. I’ll be keeping safe.”

“Ruby… you know you don’t need to leave here, right? I mean, you’ve been really useful around here, even Dean’s said it. Hell we might need your help with this whole mark shit. And that hexbag – that was genius!”

He touched her arm, and she bit her lip, looking away from his naked torso. “Yeah, I know, I’m brilliant,” she said, pushing his arm away. “But you told me to go find something I wanted. Something I wanted for me. So I’m gonna go and give that a try.”

“Ruby, you don’t have to go…”

“I know, Sam,” she snapped. “And it’s great that you guys don’t _mind_ me being around now. But I guess I’d like, just once, to try being somewhere someone actually wanted me, rather than just needing my help sometimes.”

She smiled thinly and started walking out around Sam to get to the door, but he blocked her with one long arm. “And what if I wanted you to stay?”

She laughed. “It still hurts you every time you look at me, I see that.”

He nodded slowly. “You’re right, I’m not going to say you aren’t, Ruby.” There was a flash of hurt across he eyes for a moment, but as he continued she buried it down. “For me, you were the only one who’s ever really seen just how bad I could get, that I could be. I want to blame you and say that you led me to it – you did, sure, but I went willingly. You being here reminds me of that. That at the end of the day, everything I did… I did it because that was how I wanted it, how I thought it had to be. And I can’t think back on that without feeling sick in myself, without feeling ashamed.”

Ruby started angrily rubbing away at the tears starting to leak from her eyes.

“…But, I suppose… seeing you like this – human and hurting and different… it reminds me that hey, if you can change that much…” Sam moved towards her, not even aware of what he was doing, “then maybe I can too. Maybe I have already.”

Ruby bit down on her wobbling lip, making Sam smile at the irritation on her face at the humanity of it. “I don’t really want to be a prostitute.”

Sam took another step toward her, breathing a laugh. “Do you still want the sunshine in Florida?”

“Only if you’re coming with me.”

Ignoring the rucksack for now, Sam tilted her chin up and kissed her, finding that, human and no longer in danger, she still kissed like the world was on fire around them – like they were setting it all on fire. But this time he noticed the differences – this time her lips were larger, softer, her face moved easily to lean against his hand as he ran it back through her hair.

 _Now_ that bag was in the way, Sam thought to himself as he pushed it off her shoulders, hearing it fall to the floor with a satisfying clunking noise. As her hands reached up around his back her teeth tugged lightly on his lip, and when he looked down at her, he saw that her eyes were open.

Feeling his towel fall to the floor, Sam grinned as he gripped at Ruby’s thighs and pulled her legs up so that they gripped around his waist. It would have been strange having her back in a larger, taller body, with which this no longer felt so natural, he thought as he laid her down on the bed, as though she were something delicate. This body felt different to hold in his arms, because he still remembered every moment of before, though he’d pretended to have forgotten. Her hair was thicker, her arms were slimmer, and she smelt like the bunker, she smelt like home to him.

“Sam,” she moaned softly in his ear as he straddled her, starting to lay kisses on her neck, making her gasp.

“You know, Ruby,” he murmured breathily. “I don’t think my shirt suits you.”

“No?”

“It’s… all the wrong colours,” he said, starting to undo the buttons, before realising it was big enough for him not to need to, and raised her up briefly to pull it up over her head. “And completely the… wrong shape.”

As she laughed at him, he noticed that she was still crying a little. Noticing his stare, she wiped at her eyes. “Fuck humanity,” she laughed. “I’ll get the hang of these feelings eventually.”

“Not today you won’t,” he growled, pulling her running leggings off of her, leaving exposed the gorgeous dark legs beneath, and, gently now rolled off her socks. Softly, trying to hold back now for as long as he was able to, he started kissing her in a neat trail up her legs, feeling the hair on them scratch lightly at his face. Until his mouth reached her underwear and he paused, as her hands, which just reached down to his head, lifted up to burrow into his hair. As he pulled her panties down her legs, he felt himself stiffen, felt his body cry out for relief, for her, and _now…_ But first he wanted to give her something…

Eyes glancing up to meet hers, Sam pressed his mouth down, and heard her begin to breathe more heavily, as his tongue began to explore inside of her. What had she said to him, that first time?

_‘…it’s nice in this body, Sam, soft and warm…’_

So it had been - just like this one, and it opened for him so easily. And this time he was sure that the noises, the moans of pleasure and surrender, were all her own, that she wanted to be here. Here with him. Replacing his mouth for a finger, and then a second, Sam raised himself up on the bed, over her, and up again to her waiting lips, as his fingers delved, playing at the rim of her. Seeing that her eyes were still wet, he kissed at her cheeks as he increased his movements inside of her. Then leaning down on his elbow, he used his free hand to unclip her training bra, and put his mouth down between her breasts, breathing in her smell, and feeling her fingernails digging down, breaking at the skin on his back. He was sure that as his teeth pulled over her nipple she almost drew blood from him.

So he added a third finger, and heard her gasp out his name. “ _Sam_. Sam, _please…”_

“You’ll stay, then?”

She laughed, weakly. “I could never leave.”

Sam removed his fingers from her, one by one, and she took one long draw for breath. Her eyes followed him lazily as he moved from the bed to the forgotten rucksack, and pulled out the box of condoms she’d talked about. They were right at the top of the bag. Pulling out just one from the box, he grinned and returned to where she lay on the bed, straddling her waist again. Smiling, she took the condom from him, ripping apart its packaging as she kept her eyes on his. Then, with devastating slowness, she began to stroke one hand up and down Sam’s cock, as though it were an animal she was thinking of taming. She paused at the tip, where he was already wet from pre-come. And she put her mouth towards it… but kept it closed, and kissed it. Then she pulled his head down towards her and kissed his mouth, forcing him to taste himself for a moment, as she began to drag the condom over him.

He breathed her name.

_Was it even her name? Did that even matter – had it ever mattered?_

And as she guided him inside of her he felt as though, finally, for the first time in a long time, like he was worth something. Like maybe, in some way, he’d survived, and she’d been brought back to him, all for some sort of _purpose…_

She was an unfamiliar body still, but her movements underneath him were all the same. He face had changed, but its expression as they climaxed almost together was absolutely familiar, absolutely beloved to him. He’d never really forgotten.

*

“…So this guy was found with like over half his body weight missing. Just… gone, like something had sucked it out of him,” Dean exclaimed as Cas re-entered his room to smile fondly at him. It had been a long time since he’d seen Dean so excited about something, about his work. He looked up from his laptop at Cas with a large boyish grin on his face. “What do you think? It’s not such a long drive. And it sounds like fun – it sounds different.”

“Dean, we should,” he paused, “ _I_ still need to find Metatron, to fix Heaven.”

Dean shrugged, a little sheepishly. “I dunno, I thought we could use a break from all that. And just, I dunno, it’s like you said, it’d be nice to do some saving people again.”

Cas sat down beside him, cautiously laced his fingers through Dean’s.

“And you can’t leave me alone with those two again. I know I said I was fine with her staying… but it’s hard, Cas. I’ll probably end up killing one of them.”

Cas smiled slightly. “I can stay. For at least a while.” He met Dean’s eyes. “It’s all I ever want to do.”

Dean leaned forward and kissed him. They were getting better at this, Cas realised pleasantly. As Dean pulled away he licked his lips quickly. “Well, good. You can spend tonight fucking me then.”

Cas held back his smile as he closed his eyes and shook his head. “Don’t you dare demean what I’m about to do you.” He leaned in and growled softly in his ear. “I’m not going to fuck you, Dean Winchester. I’m going to take you _apart._ ”

*


End file.
